Hello, April

(Sit back and relax.  It’s long and lacking flow.  Good luck.)

Holy smokes.  It’s been a long time since I posted!  It’s hard for me to figure out where to begin with what has been going on in my life.  I honestly thought the beginning of the year would drag until June or so until we get to our next IVF cycle, but I find myself feeling like a little kid holding her mom’s hand and the mom is walking too fast.  You know that feeling, right?  Where you try and keep up with her pace, but sometimes your feet never touch the ground and you can’t decide whether to laugh or cry so you do both? 

So, in no particular order, this is the latest goings on of my life in a nutshell:

(No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

I’ve been going to therapy very regularly and find that it is very helpful.  We have recently been talking more about my actual diagnosis.  I find it fascinating for some reason.  I also find it scary too.  I have been diagnosed with dysthymic disorder and oddly enough PTSD.  Apparently PTSD is being used in a more general sense and there is starting to be more research done on the effect of infertility, pregnancy loss and PTSD.  Obviously there are more severe cases than others, mine not being that severe, but when I did my own research, it makes sense.  Dysthymic disorder is what is really kind of scary to me.  It’s a low grade depression that goes on and on and on…sometimes for years.  I have done research on that and, when looking back at my life, see that I have been depressed for several years.  There can be moments of clarity and happiness that last for a couple of days, weeks or even months, but then I step back into that fog that I have talked about before.  I can still function and laugh even, but just feel SO down and hopeless.  I have never dealt with depression before.  I am the first one in my family that I know of, aside from an uncle I don’t know very well who was recently diagnosed as bipolar, that has been diagnosed with some form of depression.  Although if my suspicions are correct, my sister has something going on there too.  Anyway, I’m learning a lot about myself and it’s a good thing.

I’ve lost 22 pounds since November, yay!  I wish it was more, but I’ll take it.  Mr. Mags and I are following the South Beach Diet with some of our own modifications.  We are sticking to low fat dairy instead of nonfat as that has been recommended to us fertility wise.  We have also cut out all artificial sweeteners and are replacing that with coconut palm sugar.  Its actually quite good-tastes similar to brown sugar with a hint of graham flavor.  This sugar is very low on the glycemic index with out being artificial.  It was also recommended to us to use this substitution for fertility purposes.  Mr. Mags and I are doing everything we can to try and produce the best/healthiest embryos possible.  We are both on Co.ast Scie.nce fertility supplements that are chock full of antioxidants and other good stuff.  I’ve managed to hit a plateau in my weight loss though, so it’s time to step up the exercise a bit more.  In fact, I am going to Zu.mba tonight!  I am TERRIBLE, but it’s a good workout anyway and I like to think I entertain the class!

Mr. Mags and I are currently in the process of remodeling our kitchen.  I can’t wait for it to be done.  Seriously.  Living in a construction zone is dusty and dirty enough…add 3 animals in the mix and you might as well be living outside in the dirt.  It’s a slow process since we are basically doing it all ourselves with the help of my Dad and Uncle.  But it will be fantastic when it’s done!

Speaking of animals, poor B-Dog broke his little toe!!  He was playing fetch a little too aggressively.  Poor guy.  He sure is cute though and hasn't let his splint slow him down!

We call him Cap'in B-Dog because he sounds like he has a wooden peg leg. (Crappy cell phone picture!)

 

The countdown to Greece has begun!  I am SO excited and I’m really hoping my sister and I have gotten our bickering out of the way before hand.  I love my sister, but she can drive me absolutely batty.  Most of our bickerments have stemmed from sleeping arrangements.  Mr. Mags and I would be happy to sleep on an air mattress in a kitchen.  We honestly don’t care.  But Sister Mags too often uses, “Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I should be the one to sleep on the couch!”  I’m so over it, especially when we offered to sleep wherever.  That girl needs some tough love from her family and she just keeps getting babied.  And my mom makes it worse with her, “we need to be sensitive to Sister Mags needs…Sister Mags is so lonely…Yes, but Sister Mags comes home to an empty house and you don’t” which I do agree with to some extent, but it has been several (maybe 6 years or so) since Sister Mags has even dated anyone and we hear complaints about it all of the time, but she never does anything about it.  It’s like living in a three ring circus with my mom and sister.  *sigh* 

I am currently reading a book about personal boundaries my therapist gave me since my family has no understanding whatsoever of what boundaries are.  At all.  For example, last Christmas time, Sister and her friend came to spend the holidays with our family.  Sister and her friend stayed at my house for a few nights, but apparently Mr. Mags had planed a “special night” for us.  He went ahead with it anyway and when I came to bed at about 10 he had candles lit in our bedroom, a bottle of my favorite champagne on ice, flowers and a gift for me to uhh…wear.  It was very sweet and romantic and we had a great time if ya know what I mean.  The next morning I told Sister how sweet it was.  My mistake apparently because a couple of days later Mr. Mags and I, Sister and Parents (thank God her friend was gone) were playing a board game together and my dad made a crack about me having a “good night” a few nights ago.  Sister told my PARENTS about my late night rendezvous with Mr. Mags.  I was furious.  No one except Mr. Mags understood that it was a total infringement of privacy.

Anyway, back to Greece.  I’m excited and a tad apprehensive of spending that much time (2.5 weeks) with my family, but know we will make some great memories.  In preparation for Greece, I bought a camera!  I have a little point and shoot, but I wanted a nice SLR.  When I found my old stash of savings bonds I decided to cash them in and get myself a Ni.kon D3100!  I took some classes in college and was actually pretty good at it too.  I keep dreaming of all of the pictures of vegetables and fish I will take at the market and the blue doors in Santorini.  Sounds silly, but I my head the colors are spectacular!

The past two weeks have been a bit crazy for me.  There just seems to be so much going on.  Mr. Mags is dealing with some work drama that seems to finally be smoothing out a bit.  My BFF is dating?  Seeing?  Hanging out with?  A guy we went to high school with.  He is darn good to look at, but I think he might be taking advantage of her generosity.  I can’t tell for sure though and this worries me. 

Last weekend I found out from R that she is indeed pregnant, possibly with twins.  She doesn’t know for sure, but had a very high beta.  She texted me to tell me.  I was in the middle of Wh.ole Foo.ds and instantly fell into a daze.  Honestly, I’m really glad she texted and didn’t call me.  It gave me time to be able to take in the information and react the way I needed to.  It was a very honest, nice text too, so no complaints here.  I finished my errands and came home and cried.  Mr. Mags hugged me and told me it would be ok and our turn is coming.  He said all the right things and I SO appreciated it.  Then we had champagne to celebrate us.  I handled it a lot better than I thought I would.  I try not to think about it too much because it does still hurt, but I am happy for her and am able to separate my sadness from her pregnancy. 

On another note, my dear friend L called me in tears last week to tell me she had just dropped B off at rehab.  So heart breaking.  I was aware of their situation, but thought B had been doing well.  Apparently so did she.  He relapsed and they decided to seek professional help.  I am SO proud of him and even more proud of her.  She is so strong dealing with this, especially around her two young kids, yet allows herself to break down and accept help with a couple close friends and her “gal”.  (That’s how we refer to our therapists to each other because saying “therapist” feels weird to us.)  So I have been going to see her and help out where I can.  She lives about 45 min away so it’s not as easy as we would like it.  It seems though, that the best help I can be to her is to just listen and encourage her. 

So this, ladies, has been my life in nutshell!  I have been busy trying to be a good friend to BFF and L, and a good wife to Mr. Mags, but also take care of myself.  R said she would call me when she’s “not a wreck”, but I still haven’t heard from her.  That's OK by me.  I’m not sure I am ready to play the roll of supportive friend to a pregnant friend who has a tendency to complain.  

Thanks for catching up with me!!

Mags

xoxo

Tips for Fertiles on How to Alienate Infertile Family and Friends:

• As a general rule of thumb, bring up said infertiles infertility issues as often as possible during any casual conversation or say, for example, at a family gathering.

• Make sure to constantly suggest to any infertile that they try adoption and proceed to tell them how your Aunt’s, sister’s, neighbor’s, cousin’s, college roommate adopted and, wha-la!  Pregnant!

• When said infertile has stated that they are on a break from fertility treatments, continue to ask them about non-existent fertility treatments.   Also, remind them not to practice “bad habits”, such as hiring an exterminator to spray infertiles house for bugs, when on said “break”.  Simply tell them, “Yes, I see you have a gazillion spiders, but you shouldn’t hire an exterminator to spray pesticides on your house while trying to get pregnant.”  Break-shmake.

• If you are, say, a new member of the infertiles family, for example, a newly married woman to said infertiles uncle, write a letter to said infertile suggesting that the infertile let go of “trying” and scrap IVF.  Also mention that it’s probably not “God’s Plan” for said infertile to have biological children and suggest, again, adoption.  Again, enforce letting go of said “Infertiles Plan” and embrace “God’s Plan”. 

• If you are the brother of an infertile, the following should be especially helpful to you:

1. During any of your baby’s waking hours, especially on a long weekend getaway to the family cabin with your infertile Brother and Sister-in-Law, make sure to keep the TV turned off.  Be sure to state that the TV is to remain off when said baby is awake because she becomes fixated with it.  Also state that said baby is entertainment enough.
2. Constantly “shush” anyone who attempts to have a conversation because they may wake the baby who is sleeping in the bedroom.  So what if there are three fans running and a white noise machine in the baby’s room to drown out a jet plane incase it passes overhead!
3.  After getting into an argument with your infertile brother about possibly waking the fertile brother’s  9 month old baby, proceed to tell yell to the infertile brother “Don’t tell me how to raise my kid!!  I’ll f*cking kill you!!  You have no f*cking idea what it’s like to have a baby!”  Make sure to do this on the same day that the infertile brother tells you of his wife’s third miscarriage. 
4.  Once the baby is asleep and the adults are ready to settle in to watch a movie, suggest that the movie selected is one that everyone has already seen, that way the volume can be turned down as low as possible and everyone will still know what is going on.  Continue “shushing” anyone who speaks within earshot.
5.  Act incredibly surprised when infertile Sister-in-Law enters your bedroom to wake you early the next morning with a non-hushed voice to tell you that the infertiles are leaving a day ahead of schedule and they have managed to pack up their belongings and travel up and down the stairs, with their dog (and shockingly your two dogs) following each time, directly above your and the baby’s room, all without waking any of you.  Be sure to have all three fans running and the white noise machine on so this is possible.  After all, they might WAKE THE BABY. 

• Always try and relate your 7 month “struggle” to get pregnant to any infertiles journey or life.  It really helps said infertile put in perspective just how long, say, 7 years really is.

•  It’s a good idea to throw a holiday party and hire a Santa for the children of friends and family to visit with.  Remember, anyone without a child is not invited and not welcome.

•  Constantly remind the infertile that it could be worse.  After all, THEY get to sleep in-the nerve!!

•  When in doubt, suggest the following: A vacation, just relax, and if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.

Congratulations!  You have just successfully alienated your infertile friend or family member!!

*If you are a fertile and you managed to read through my snarky post, thank you!  We all stick our foot in our mouths sometime or another, including yours truly! Humor gets me through. :)

Options

Old friends are awesome.  You know the kind I’m talking about, right?  The kind you can go 3 years without getting together except for the occasional “30 minute-bump-into-each-other-at-the-grocery-store” kind of visit, and when you do finally get together things are just so comfy that you forget to put the hamburger buns in a cute basket and serve the hamburger patties on a mismatched platter and it’s O.K.  You all do that, right?  Anyway, you catch my drift…I hope.

So, this old friend of mine, D, we go way back.  Like waaaaaaay back.  We were each others first playmates, but we go back even further than that, or I should say, our families go back further than that.  D’s mom and my mom have been friends since they were born too.  That’s because their dad’s, D’s and my Grandpa, met in Kindergarten and remained the best of friends until they both passed away.  So suffice to say we are more like family and call each others parents our Aunts and Uncles. 

This past weekend D came over for dinner.  Her husband J ended up staying home because he was feeling under the weather.  As I said before, it had been three years in the making and we had a lot to catch up on!  We know most of the goings on in each others lives thanks to our moms who see each other regularly, but it was great to hear in more detail how we are both doing.

A little history for you:  D is a waitress at a really nice restaurant where we live and she’s worked there for 6 years.  She is married with two adorable platinum blond, blue eyed boys, ages 5 and 2.  Her husband J has been out of work due to knee surgery for about 10 months.  This isn’t out of the ordinary for him (the not working, not the knee surgery).  D met J while she was in college.  He had already graduated and is 10 years older than her.  (Just like me and Mr. Mags!)  They dated for a while, off and on, and wouldn’t you know it-oops!  Into the picture comes baby numero Uno.  I was just really beginning to feel the struggles of IF when she got pregnant, but I shined it on and was as happy for her as a friend could be who was surprised with an unplanned pregnancy with someone she wasn’t sure she wanted to be with.  Long story short, when baby Uno was about 2, J finally convinced D to marry him (it took some serious wearing down), and about a year later came baby numero Dos.

It was evident, after a couple glasses of wine, that D is not happy with the direction her life has gone.  She hates her job, but as the breadwinner of the family she feels she doesn’t have a lot of options.  She is fortunate to have insurance coverage as a waitress-guess that can be hard to come with that position, so she doesn’t feel she can leave.  As for her husband…I think she really does love him, and she loves those beautiful babies they made together to pieces, but I’m not sure she is in love with him.  It makes me so sad for her. 

We talked for a while about the benefits of her job, i.e. she gets to stay home with her kids all day and then work in the evenings.  She makes pretty decent money doing what she does not to mention she has a lot of seniority and a great schedule.  And a job she can leave at the drop of the hat if one of her kids needs her.  There are some perks, but I empathize with the position she’s in. 

We also talked about my job and of course IF.  She very sweetly said she knew a little from what her mom had told her, but just didn’t know how, or if, she should bring it up, or what she should say because she didn’t want to say the wrong thing.  *happy sigh*  That was SO refreshing to hear.  A completely honest expression of concern.  I thanked her.  I let her know we are taking a break from the whole thing and want to try again very soon, but if that doesn’t work, we aren’t sure where w will go from there.  We just won’t know what the right thing to do is until we get there.  She asked about all of the different options that we would be available to us if we did end up “there”.  I let her know about egg donor, embryo donor, surrogacy, adoption and “child-free living” (I hate that effing term).  Then she made the most generous offer a person could make to an infertile.  Use of her womb.  She said, “I’d do it.  I’ll be your surrogate if you need one.”  I was kind of taken aback by it, not really knowing what to say other than, “that’s so sweet”, which is hardly the kind of thank you I would expect to give someone offering use of their uterus to me.  D went on to say that she had actually talked to her husband J about it several and it made him a bit nervous, but that she really wanted to do it for us.  She said she is done with babies for herself, but she would do it for me.  What an amazing friend. 

After our evening of burgers and wine I got to thinking about her offer a little more.  I have actually had another friend (L) offer to be a surrogate for us, but I never thought much of it.  I thanked her and brushed it off, and to be honest, I’m sure she is hoping I forgot too!  Her last pregnancy had a few complications and would probably take her out of the running anyway.  But D’s offer seemed so serious and heartfelt.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m in a different place or because in all honesty, I can really see her carrying our baby.  I have even imagined different scenarios where she is pregnant with our baby.  Is that weird?  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I desperately want to be the one to carry our baby, but if we were fortunate enough to arrange anyone else out there in the world to carry it, it would be D.  She is smart, laid back, a wonderful mother and undoubtedly a wonderful friend.  Obviously we would need her husband to be fully on board with the idea.  I would never embark on something like this with J being hesitant or nervous.  And a lot more research would need to be done, but for now, it is nice to know that this is a possible option.