R's Luck

I have a friend IRL who is doing IVF right now.  Sometimes this friend is also referred to as a frenemy.  It was pointed out to me by my therapist that we have a very competitive relationship.  I guess I knew that, but not to the extent that I realize it now. 

This friend, R, and I have a history.  We've known each other for 18 years. We were best friends in high school.  Inseparable friends.  We had SO. MUCH. FUN.  Then I went away to college and she stayed home to go to college.  We remained really close, then things started to change.  Arguments happened, trust was broken, real opinions were shared and feelings were very hurt.  We were both at fault.  She is of the nature to walk away from conflict and never look back and I am of the nature to hash it out.  Sometimes I wish we both walked away. Other times I am glad we can move on with our lives, with each other still in it, but grow apart "gracefully". 

We are very different people but find ourselves at very similar points in our lives.  She is married and has been with her husband for almost as long as Mr. Mags and I, though only married for 2 years and has been struggling with infertility for two years.  Even so, I find it hard to relate to her.   As I said, she just did her first round of IVF.  She overstimulated so they will be doing a frozen transfer in March.  They retrieved 25 follicles!  Yay for her!  (No really, I do mean that.)  She called me yesterday to update me on her embryo report of what made it to blast and, are you ready for this???




18



Yea, you read that right.  18 damned embryos made it to blast. I'm stunned.  Of course I'm very happy for her that she will most likely never have to endure another fresh cycle again but....I feel like a deer in headlights or something.  Am I pissed?  No.  Am I jealous?  Probably, but I can't really tell.  Am I happy for her?  Yea, but why don't I feel happy?  Am I just saying that because that's the right thing to say? Why do I feel so numb? What do I want to do with this information?  Shove my head in the sand and let the world pass me by?  Yea, uh-hu, that sounds good.

The Plan

Have you guys seen the movie The Money Pit with Tom.Hanks and Shelley.Long? Yes? Ok, good.  Love, LOVE that movie.  You know the part where the bathtub falls through the ceiling after days and days of disasters and mishaps in the new house purchased by Tom and Shelley?  And Shelley looks dumbfounded and Tom points to the giant, gaping hole and laughs hysterically and just can’t stop?  It’s not a good laugh, or a funny laugh, it’s a desperate I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-else-to-do-but-laugh, laugh.  That’s how I feel this very moment!  I am literally smiling giggling under my breath at work (shhh, don’t tell) because I just saw an announcement on Fac.ebook (again, shhh) by one of my ol’ college buddies letting us alllllll know baby #3 is on the way!!!  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHA  Seriously.  That’s it.

Eh-hem

Ok, now that that is out of the way, Happy New Year!  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and all that jazz.  Mine was fine, filled with too much wine, sugar, butter and family.  New Years Eve was lovely-just Mr. Mags, me and our zoo.

A lot has been happening around here, but I never really seem to have the energy to post about it.  Or when I do, it starts to seem irrelevant. Anyway, now I have a plan.  In the long run, I think it’s the best plan, but in the short run, I’m left to deal with the fact that here, at the beginning of January 2012, this plan will mean no take home baby by the end of 2012.  It’s weird to think that I will, for sure, celebrate another Christmas with no children. 

SO, the plan!  I am doing pretty well on Nutri.system and am going to continue on with that for a while.  As of December 23^rd I was down 18 pounds…I have yet to weigh in since the holidays, but I am back on the diet train now.  Mr. Mags and I went to see Dr. T last week to layout our new plan.  He was happy with my weight loss and wants me to continue dieting for a while longer.  Our original plan was to cycle January/February, but we all agreed I should focus on loosing some more weight, so then we though maybe cycle in April?  But then a wrench was thrown into that plan.  A beautiful too-good-to-pass-up wrench.  That wrench is a trip to Greece in May!  Long story short, my sister will be there for an event she is throwing, so my Mom and Dad decided to go over while she is there, and then offered Mr. Mags and me some of their air miles to fly over for a good ol’ family vacation!!  We thought long and hard and decided that by going to Greece in May, that would give us something positive and exciting to focus on, more time for me to lose weight, and for us to prepare mentally for this next cycle…not to mention going to Greece!  I’ve always wanted to go there.  (Is it wrong that I feel like posting on FB, “Mr. Mags and I are pleased to announce that we are going to Greece in May for over 2 weeks!!”??)  This means that we will finally cycle in June/July.  6-7 months from now seems so far away, but with weight loss and a trip to Greece to focus on, I think it will be doable.

Anyway, that’s the plan.  I will contact Dr. T in April to let him know where I am in my cycle so he can create a tentative calendar for us starting the beginning of June.  We talked a lot about the last cycle and what he wants to do differently.  This time, he wants me on Lupron before we begin stims.  Last time I was on an Antagonist protocol that consisted of injections for only 12 days.  More shots this time-yay!  Whatever, at this point I’ll do whatever it takes.  Also, he wants to do a day 3 transfer instead of day 5.  He said our embryos were textbook perfect on day 3 and not so hot by day 5.  I also brought up the possibility of doing an endometrial biopsy as a further test, but it doesn’t seem like something I need done, though he was willing to do it if I wanted to. 

Another interesting possibility that I brought up, and he was excited about, is IVM: In Vitro Maturation.  Every heard of it?  It’s still a fairly new treatment in the US as far as I understand it.  It basically involves the removal of eggs before they are fully developed, letting them mature in the lab and then fertilizing them just as in IVF.  Apparently I am a good candidate for it: I’m under 35, experienced OHSS and have PCOS.  I guess it’s less invasive as far as drug protocol goes, as well as less expensive too.  As of right now, it is just an idea on the back burner, but none the less, interesting and I love having options.

I feel good about this plan, most of the time anyway.  I always want to rush things but am learning it doesn’t work that way.  Therapy helps, that’s for darned sure. 

Alright, you ladies have a great day and here is to a happy 2012!  That’s all I’m asking for.

My Baby Trek

I was trying to find a better word for “journey” or “timeline”.  Something a little more fitting.  Trek works.  Trek seems arduous, sounds kind of annoying, and I think would involve some bumpby, zig-zaggy paths that might make me cry.  Ya with me?  So here it goes.

Mr. Mags and I started trying to conceive right when we got married.  I was actually off the pill a month before we were married.  I had just turned 24 (holy cow that’s young!) and Mr. Mags was 34.  After about a year we thought maybe I should go to the Dr.  So I did and was told, “all you need is Clomid.”  Sweet.  Problem solved.  We thought, when we get really serious, we will pick up some of that Clomid stuff and have a baby. *insert raucous laughter here*

So, the timeline (with way too much detail) goes as follows:

• Mr. Mags and I marry October of 2004.
• TTC for 1+ year.
• Clomid will solve all our answers. 
• Wait, it’s 2006, how’d that happen?!?
• April 2006 Mr. Mags and I move to our new house ready to start a family!
• Go to new Dr. that doesn’t have dogs in their office who barge in right in the middle of your yearly lady parts exam. (I kid you not.  And I love dogs.)
• Again, Clomid will solve all of our problems!  Try 5 rounds with absolutely no monitoring. *what a newbie I was* Oh yea, and I have PCOS.
• Mr. Mags does SA-all normal.  In fact, very impressive. *high-fives himself*  Big sigh of relief.
• September 2006 go to Dr. because of terrible pain in my lower abdomen.  Receive first vaginal ultrasound.  Proceed to feel very adult and grown up because of this.
• September 26, 2006 (I remember because it was so close to my birthday) get a call from my Dr. telling me I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured and also I have a bicornuate uterus.  A bicornu-what?  Proceed to cry for hours.
• October 2006 have HSG – Yep, severe bicornuate uterus.  Proceed to cry on the exam table while my Dr. tells me, “it’s ok honey, that’s what surrogates are for.”
• Take a break from TTC.
• Adopt our beloved B-Dog, after all I need something to take care of.
• Mid 2007 meet with RE. He suggests we go straight to IVF.  Cry the whole way home from the appointment.  How can people put a price tag like that on having a family?!? Start saving money.
• October 1, 2007, I become a product of the ever crashing housing market and get laid off.  Proceed to cry.
• October 31, 2007, Mr. Mags becomes a product of the ever crashing housing market and gets laid off.  Cry some more.
• Crap.
• December 2007 Mr. Mags and I decide to move to my home town (yippie!) since that is where we really wanted to settle anyway.  We take B-Dog, Z-Cat, P-Cat and G-Cat and move in with my parents.  (yippie…?)  Put baby making plans on hold.
• January 2008-new jobs!
• February 2009 we move into our own place-finally!
• March 2009 make an appointment with new RE and get a plan mapped out. 
• New RE orders MRI to confirm Bicornuate uterus.  Diagnosis: NOT severe, very mild, shouldn’t be an issue.
• April 2009 Mr. Mags gets laid off…again.  (Seriously, you would think we would learn to stay OUT of the housing market by now.) Put all baby making plans on hold…again.
• September 2009, holy crap, I’m pregnant-naturally!! 
• September 11, 2009, miscarry at a 1 year olds birthday party.  Cry like a 1 year old.
• Go to new OBGYN (love him!) and try 5 rounds of monitored clomid with estrogen.  Ovulate once.  BFN.
• Meet with new-new RE (love him!).  From here on out we will call him Dr. T. *hello gorgeous*
• October 2010 begin 3 rounds of IUI with Femara and Estradiol.  Grow follicles each time.  All BFN.  These were “special” holidays, very fun.
• February 16, 2011 Begin acupuncture and stims.  Gonal F 300 IU, Luveris 75 IU, baby Aspirin and prenatal.  Later introduce Ganirelix.
• February 27, 2011 egg retrieval – 22 Eggs!!
• Hello OHSS.
• Fertilization report – 12 mature, 10 fertilized-7 normal.  3 “good” make it to blast. 
• March 5, 2011 – transfer 1 blast, freeze 2.  Transfer involved a shot to my cervix and a cervical clamp.  Yowch!
• Beta Day – 26.  Next beta – 95! Wha-hoo!  Next beta-70.  Doh. Chemical.  More tears.
• May 2011 – FET
• Smooth transfer-thank GOD.
• Beta Day – 120 *Squeel!!*  Next Beta – 260  *Squeeeeeeeeeeellll!!!*  Start spotting.  Miscarry at 6 weeks.  Big giant crocodile tears.  For days.
• OMG this is a long timeline.
• WTF appointment – most likely the luck of the draw, although my egg quality is not the greatest.  Toss around ideas for the next cycle.  Leave feeling very defeated.
• New plan of attack: Lose weight, exercise, continue with acupuncture and have sex for FUN (huh?) until IVF #2 in January 2010.  

So this is where I am now.  In the limbo stage.  Waiting to cycle again, trying to work on myself.  And seriously, if you read this whole timeline you’re super nice.  And I sincerely thank you. 

Question for you though.  How do you guys get through the limbo time?  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

LJ’s 3rd Birthday

As I mentioned in my previous post Mr. Mags and I spent September 11^th celebrating our friends L and B’s sons third birthday.  They have two boys, also L and B to make things nice and confusing for you!  SO, we will go with LJ and BR.  BR is just three months old and as cute as could be.  LJ holds a special place in my heart though, not sure why.  Mr. Mags and I love to hang out with him.  I mean, he’s cool.  He’s 3 and he just has that cool vibe.  Probably because his parents are uber cool too.  I have known L for 13 years-yikes!  We lived in the dorms together as freshman when we were in college, then moved to an apartment complex with different roomies, but right next door to each other, then into a giant house with 7 other girls (that would be a story for a whole other blog!) and finally into a smaller house with one other friend our senior year.  We’ve been through a lot and are always there fore each other.  She knows of our IF struggles and always lends a sympathetic ear.  And more importantly she is a total foodie.  And a size 4.  AFTER having kids.  Think tiny, adorable, spitfire of a woman with the appetite of a football player.  SO not fair, but I digress. 

So we arrived to the party of 5 ½ screaming kids (1/2 being BR) and several adults.  LJ saw me and screamed “Maaaaaaaaaaags!!!!”  It’s so nice to be loved by children.  He bounded out of the bouncy house and gave us big hugs.  L came over and told us that when anyone asked who LJ invited to his party he always responded “Mags.  Mags and Mr. Mags.  Mr. Mags is my friend.”  *Begin tugging at heart strings, incident one.* 

We greeted everyone and got settled in.  It was a happy surprise to see an old from college, it had been a few years.  Her kids were there having a grand old time.  After a while I looked around and realized Mr. Mags and I were the only ones without kids, aside from LJ’s REAL aunt and uncle who were in attendance.  (They decided long ago to live child free.) I began to feel pathetic.  Seriously, what was I doing at a 3 year olds birthday party sans kids?!?  Yes, I did make him a special cake as requested: dinosaurs.  But honestly, I looked around and began to feel very self conscious.  Am I that couple that gets invited to all of the birthday parties and special events and people look at us and think, “Ooooh, that’s so sad, you can see it in their eyes.  They wanted kids so bad, but it never happened.  What a shame.”  *Continue tugging at heart strings, incident two.* 

Then I was asked to hold BR for a while-Yippee!  Babies!  As I was holding him, he spit up a little which didn’t really bother me, but BR’s grandma came over and practically snatched him out of my arms and didn’t give me a chance to react or clean him up myself.  Apparently because I am childless I don’t know how to handle this.  *More tugging at hear strings, incident three.*

Then I thought, really Mags?  You are going to let this get to you?!?  Nope! Oh, look, little D lost his shoe, I’ll put it back on for him.  (Little D doesn’t know me at all.)  Little D started to panic and almost fell backwards while I tried to help him with his shoe.  Luckily his mom (the old college friend) was there to catch him.  She totally brushed it off as no big deal, but it got to me.  *Commence final tugging at heart strings.* I felt SO out of place and pathetic that I was trying too hard.  I’m not a mom, I don’t fit in.  Why am I trying?

Mr. Mags and I left shortly after presents were opened and cake was shared.  I got in the car and cried a good portion of the 45 minute drive home.  Oh, and add that to feeling really pathetic.  I drove 45 minutes to go to a 3 year olds birthday party. 

*sigh*

I’m sure some of these feelings were exaggerated by hormones.  *please, oh please let that be it* September 11^th was CD2, so I’m going to blame it on that. 

Does anyone else out there ever feel that way?  Anyone……..?  Buller??  Buller ……??