Therapy

First off, thank you to those of you who commented with comforting words about my being nervous for my first therapy visit.  It really did help calm my nerves.

Now.  Where to begin.  I think I like therapy, but I’m not sure.  The lady I spoke with, we’ll call her F, was very sweet and I suppose I found it easy to talk to her because I was in tears in no time.  I didn’t know what to say at first because I have never done anything like this before.  She asked what I wanted to get out of therapy.  I’m pretty sure I had a blank stare of my face because it took me a while to answer.  Plus, my answer in a nut shell was, “hell if I know”.  So she started to ask me questions about how long Mr. Mags and I had been trying for a baby and then everything just sort of bubbled up to the surface.  I seriously can’t believe how much I told her in an hour, and looking back I wonder if she was overwhelmed by my babbling or able to keep tally on what I was saying.  I mean, we went through the whole gamete!

PCOS – Check!

Hypothyroid – Check!

Bicornuate Uterus – Check!

Mother-in-Law’s passing – Check!

3 RE’s – Check!

11 total Clomid Cycles – Check!

3 IUI’s – Check!

1 IVF – Check!

1 FET – Check!

3 Losses – Check!

3 Job layoffs – Check!

2 Moves – Check!

1 Short Sale – Check!

Weight Issues – Check!

Spiritual Crisis – Check!

Family Drama – Check!

Seriously, that’s a lot of shit.  SHIT I tell you. 

Anyway, she mentioned some things she thought we could work on and get to the root of, for example; I know I NEED to lose weight.  I know HOW to lose weight.  I know I am doing things right now NOT to lose weight.  But WHY am I doing those things?  Again, “hell if I know”. 

There were a few things that kind of pissed off the bitter infertile in me though.  When we first started talking about PCOS and my hypothyroidism F asked me if I had ever tried acupuncture and that her friend had gotten several women pregnant with that.  I just rolled my eyes and said, “That’s nice.  And I do go to acupuncture.”  Then she asked me if I had heard of a “Fertility Cookbook” that is supposed to make you more fertile.  (SERIOUSLY?!?!?!)  I, politely as possible, interrupted her and told her that I was beyond all of that.  I’ve been there and done that and now I’m here.  She nodded in agreement and I felt kind of bad for blowing her ideas down, but, like I said, I’m done with that route-it didn’t work for me and I’ve moved on.

As the talking continued she asked me how old I was and I told her, 31.  She said, “The good news is you’re still young, you’ve got plenty of time”.  Again, I told her as politely as possible that I was extremely tired of people telling me that I was young.  I have been hearing that for 7 years and what good has it done me?  She actually responded by telling me, “Thank you.  I need for you to continue to tell me when I’ve said something to upset you or I suggest a direction you are not interested in going.  This is your session and your time.”  Wow.  She was right, I was right, so that was pretty neat!  I really can say what I want and need to say in there. 

The whole issue of my age and Mr. Mags age brought up some heavy stuff though, which is a good thing I suppose.  What a lot of my fear and anxiety comes down to in regard to wanting a baby and wanting it NOW is that I am afraid I am going to lose Mr. Mags to early onset Alzheimer’s.  I have this timeline in my head that he is going to start showing signs any day now and be diagnosed (as best as Dr.’s can) with it by 58, just like his mom was and pass away at 64.  That means if I were to get pregnant tomorrow our kid would be 16 when his dad is diagnosed at 58 with that horrendous disease.  And say we are lucky enough to have another baby after who would be 14 or so.  The thought just tears my up inside…and God forbid it happen earlier!  We dove a little further into it than that and maybe I’ll share that on a rainy day.

Needless to say I left feeling completely bewildered and exhausted.  I don’t know if I really liked it or not.  It was so weird to have someone sit there and just kind of stare at me with this concerned look on her face while I talked and cried. 

One thing I really did take away from this is, in looking back on my session I relayed “my story” fast and slow, mumbled and jumbled and completely unorganized and out of order.  I realize THAT is how my life feels right now.  Completely unorganized, out of order and totally jumbled. 

I have another appointment next week, so until then, the verdict is still out.  Is therapy for me?  I’m not sure.  It could be that I’m just scared to do the “work”.

What to expect….

No, not when you’re expecting.  *hurumph*  What to expect from your first visit to therapy….like, first visit ever.  I finally made an appointment for a therapy/counseling/whatever-it’s-called session and it’s today.  *gulp*

I had been hemming and hawing about finding someone and putting off calling like nobody’s business.  Then the other day I found a woman who specializes in infertility and had, in fact, gone through her own IF journey.  I was intrigued and sent an email.  I thought well, maybe she will get it and email me back in a few days or weeks even.  You know those “contact me through the website” messages never seem to make it to the intended recipient.  What do you know, 30 minutes later I had an appointment set up to talk over the phone.  Sheesh, that was fast. 

We talked for about 10 minutes and the first thing she said to me was, “Mags, I’m SO sorry you are going through this.  No one should have to.”  She about damn near had me in tears right there!  Anyway, she sounds nice, so we will see what happens.

Here’s the thing though.  I’m nervous.  SUPER nervous.  I have never done this before and I don’t know what to expect.  I’m afraid I will walk in there and say, “Hi, I’m Mags and …bawwwaaaaaaaaa!!!!!” and start crying on the spot.  And then I will start talking to her between sobs and she will think, “wow, she’d be a crap mom.”  Or, that she’s going to judge me because I am overweight and want to have a baby and then ask me what I had for dinner last night and I am going to have to tell her that instead of having a salad with lots of veggies and chicken breast I made chicken enchilada’s with low fat cheese and whole grain tortillas served with non-fat re-fried beans and green beans and proceeded to follow that by eating 3 cookies!!!  

In all seriousness, I am nervous about what might come up.  What she might shed light on that I have swept under the rug…and ya know, maybe I just want to keep it under the rug.  I don’t know.

I guess I never saw myself needing therapy.  I have several friends who go and say it’s wonderful and everyone should go.  I agree that it sounds cool and maybe I should check it out, but I never do.  It’s not that I look down on it.  I don’t at all.  In fact from what I have read online and witnessed from above mentioned friends, it really does some beneficial.  I guess I just always thought I could do “it” on my own.  “It” being what ever is going on in my life at the time.  Plus I’m not a big sharer.  Could have fooled you, huh?  (Sharing on this blog has been a big step!)

Then I start to think about the fact that this whole baby thing has take up 7 years of my life and then I CANNOT believe I went 7 years with out seeking help or guidance!  Anyway, I will let you all know how it goes.  Wish me luck!