Thursday, April 26, 2012

I couldn't do it...

I tried, but I just couldn't.  I got THIS close (that's super-duper close) to pressing the "" share button on the National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) page, but I just couldn't do it.  I mean, I'm kind of shaky I was that close.  Of course, that could be my morning coffee, but I digress. 

Most of my family and friends know that Mr. Mags and I have been struggling with infertility for a long time, but to put it on and really tell "the world" so to speak?  I guess I'm not ready to tell EVERYONE.  I really want to be a great advocate and inform people about infertility, and really, I have no problem telling complete strangers about the woes of the disease...why is it so hard to tell people we know, but aren't necessarily super close with?  What's stopping me? 

Have you guys "come out of the closet"? Do you think it's beneficial to tell people or keep it to yourself?  It's hard to raise awareness and NOT talk about it.  Humm...maybe tomorrow....and less coffee might help too.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Hello, April

(Sit back and relax.  It’s long and lacking flow.  Good luck.)

Holy smokes.  It’s been a long time since I posted!  It’s hard for me to figure out where to begin with what has been going on in my life.  I honestly thought the beginning of the year would drag until June or so until we get to our next IVF cycle, but I find myself feeling like a little kid holding her mom’s hand and the mom is walking too fast.  You know that feeling, right?  Where you try and keep up with her pace, but sometimes your feet never touch the ground and you can’t decide whether to laugh or cry so you do both? 

So, in no particular order, this is the latest goings on of my life in a nutshell:

(No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

I’ve been going to therapy very regularly and find that it is very helpful.  We have recently been talking more about my actual diagnosis.  I find it fascinating for some reason.  I also find it scary too.  I have been diagnosed with dysthymic disorder and oddly enough PTSD.  Apparently PTSD is being used in a more general sense and there is starting to be more research done on the effect of infertility, pregnancy loss and PTSD.  Obviously there are more severe cases than others, mine not being that severe, but when I did my own research, it makes sense.  Dysthymic disorder is what is really kind of scary to me.  It’s a low grade depression that goes on and on and on…sometimes for years.  I have done research on that and, when looking back at my life, see that I have been depressed for several years.  There can be moments of clarity and happiness that last for a couple of days, weeks or even months, but then I step back into that fog that I have talked about before.  I can still function and laugh even, but just feel SO down and hopeless.  I have never dealt with depression before.  I am the first one in my family that I know of, aside from an uncle I don’t know very well who was recently diagnosed as bipolar, that has been diagnosed with some form of depression.  Although if my suspicions are correct, my sister has something going on there too.  Anyway, I’m learning a lot about myself and it’s a good thing.

I’ve lost 22 pounds since November, yay!  I wish it was more, but I’ll take it.  Mr. Mags and I are following the South Beach Diet with some of our own modifications.  We are sticking to low fat dairy instead of nonfat as that has been recommended to us fertility wise.  We have also cut out all artificial sweeteners and are replacing that with coconut palm sugar.  Its actually quite good-tastes similar to brown sugar with a hint of graham flavor.  This sugar is very low on the glycemic index with out being artificial.  It was also recommended to us to use this substitution for fertility purposes.  Mr. Mags and I are doing everything we can to try and produce the best/healthiest embryos possible.  We are both on Co.ast Scie.nce fertility supplements that are chock full of antioxidants and other good stuff.  I’ve managed to hit a plateau in my weight loss though, so it’s time to step up the exercise a bit more.  In fact, I am going to tonight!  I am TERRIBLE, but it’s a good workout anyway and I like to think I entertain the class!

Mr. Mags and I are currently in the process of remodeling our kitchen.  I can’t wait for it to be done.  Seriously.  Living in a construction zone is dusty and dirty enough…add 3 animals in the mix and you might as well be living outside in the dirt.  It’s a slow process since we are basically doing it all ourselves with the help of my Dad and Uncle.  But it will be fantastic when it’s done!

Speaking of animals, poor B-Dog broke his little toe!!  He was playing fetch a little too aggressively.  Poor guy.  He sure is cute though and hasn't let his splint slow him down!

We call him Cap'in B-Dog because he sounds like he has a wooden peg leg. (Crappy cell phone picture!)

The countdown to Greece has begun!  I am SO excited and I’m really hoping my sister and I have gotten our bickering out of the way before hand.  I love my sister, but she can drive me absolutely batty.  Most of our bickerments have stemmed from sleeping arrangements.  Mr. Mags and I would be happy to sleep on an air mattress in a kitchen.  We honestly don’t care.  But Sister Mags too often uses, “Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I should be the one to sleep on the couch!”  I’m so over it, especially when we offered to sleep wherever.  That girl needs some tough love from her family and she just keeps getting babied.  And my mom makes it worse with her, “we need to be sensitive to Sister Mags needs…Sister Mags is so lonely…Yes, but Sister Mags comes home to an empty house and you don’t” which I do agree with to some extent, but it has been several (maybe 6 years or so) since Sister Mags has even dated anyone and we hear complaints about it all of the time, but she never does anything about it.  It’s like living in a three ring circus with my mom and sister.  *sigh* 

I am currently reading a book about personal boundaries my therapist gave me since my family has no understanding whatsoever of what boundaries are.  At all.  For example, last Christmas time, Sister and her friend came to spend the holidays with our family.  Sister and her friend stayed at my house for a few nights, but apparently Mr. Mags had planed a “special night” for us.  He went ahead with it anyway and when I came to bed at about 10 he had candles lit in our bedroom, a bottle of my favorite champagne on ice, flowers and a gift for me to uhh…wear.  It was very sweet and romantic and we had a great time if ya know what I mean.  The next morning I told Sister how sweet it was.  My mistake apparently because a couple of days later Mr. Mags and I, Sister and Parents (thank God her friend was gone) were playing a board game together and my dad made a crack about me having a “good night” a few nights ago.  Sister told my PARENTS about my late night rendezvous with Mr. Mags.  I was furious.  No one except Mr. Mags understood that it was a total infringement of privacy.

Anyway, back to Greece.  I’m excited and a tad apprehensive of spending that much time (2.5 weeks) with my family, but know we will make some great memories.  In preparation for Greece, I bought a camera!  I have a little point and shoot, but I wanted a nice SLR.  When I found my old stash of savings bonds I decided to cash them in and get myself a Ni.kon D3100!  I took some classes in college and was actually pretty good at it too.  I keep dreaming of all of the pictures of vegetables and fish I will take at the market and the blue doors in Santorini.  Sounds silly, but I my head the colors are spectacular!

The past two weeks have been a bit crazy for me.  There just seems to be so much going on.  Mr. Mags is dealing with some work drama that seems to finally be smoothing out a bit.  My BFF is dating?  Seeing?  Hanging out with?  A guy we went to high school with.  He is darn good to look at, but I think he might be taking advantage of her generosity.  I can’t tell for sure though and this worries me. 

Last weekend I found out from R that she is indeed pregnant, possibly with twins.  She doesn’t know for sure, but had a very high beta.  She texted me to tell me.  I was in the middle of Wh.ole Foo.ds and instantly fell into a daze.  Honestly, I’m really glad she texted and didn’t call me.  It gave me time to be able to take in the information and react the way I needed to.  It was a very honest, nice text too, so no complaints here.  I finished my errands and came home and cried.  Mr. Mags hugged me and told me it would be ok and our turn is coming.  He said all the right things and I SO appreciated it.  Then we had champagne to celebrate us.  I handled it a lot better than I thought I would.  I try not to think about it too much because it does still hurt, but I am happy for her and am able to separate my sadness from her pregnancy. 

On another note, my dear friend L called me in tears last week to tell me she had just dropped B off at rehab.  So heart breaking.  I was aware of their situation, but thought B had been doing well.  Apparently so did she.  He relapsed and they decided to seek professional help.  I am SO proud of him and even more proud of her.  She is so strong dealing with this, especially around her two young kids, yet allows herself to break down and accept help with a couple close friends and her “gal”.  (That’s how we refer to our therapists to each other because saying “therapist” feels weird to us.)  So I have been going to see her and help out where I can.  She lives about 45 min away so it’s not as easy as we would like it.  It seems though, that the best help I can be to her is to just listen and encourage her. 

So this, ladies, has been my life in nutshell!  I have been busy trying to be a good friend to BFF and L, and a good wife to Mr. Mags, but also take care of myself.  R said she would call me when she’s “not a wreck”, but I still haven’t heard from her.  That's OK by me.  I’m not sure I am ready to play the roll of supportive friend to a pregnant friend who has a tendency to complain.  

Thanks for catching up with me!!