Wednesday, January 18, 2012

R's Luck

I have a friend IRL who is doing IVF right now.  Sometimes this friend is also referred to as a frenemy.  It was pointed out to me by my therapist that we have a very competitive relationship.  I guess I knew that, but not to the extent that I realize it now. 

This friend, R, and I have a history.  We've known each other for 18 years. We were best friends in high school.  Inseparable friends.  We had SO. MUCH. FUN.  Then I went away to college and she stayed home to go to college.  We remained really close, then things started to change.  Arguments happened, trust was broken, real opinions were shared and feelings were very hurt.  We were both at fault.  She is of the nature to walk away from conflict and never look back and I am of the nature to hash it out.  Sometimes I wish we both walked away. Other times I am glad we can move on with our lives, with each other still in it, but grow apart "gracefully". 

We are very different people but find ourselves at very similar points in our lives.  She is married and has been with her husband for almost as long as Mr. Mags and I, though only married for 2 years and has been struggling with infertility for two years.  Even so, I find it hard to relate to her.   As I said, she just did her first round of IVF.  She overstimulated so they will be doing a frozen transfer in March.  They retrieved 25 follicles!  Yay for her!  (No really, I do mean that.)  She called me yesterday to update me on her embryo report of what made it to blast and, are you ready for this???


Yea, you read that right.  18 damned embryos made it to blast. I'm stunned.  Of course I'm very happy for her that she will most likely never have to endure another fresh cycle again but....I feel like a deer in headlights or something.  Am I pissed?  No.  Am I jealous?  Probably, but I can't really tell.  Am I happy for her?  Yea, but why don't I feel happy?  Am I just saying that because that's the right thing to say? Why do I feel so numb? What do I want to do with this information?  Shove my head in the sand and let the world pass me by?  Yea, uh-hu, that sounds good.

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Simply put, this week has been rough.  I feel like a fighter in the ring that has no fight left. 

My cousin and his wife had their baby this past Sunday.  He is perfect, adorable and healthy.  We are all so thankful.  I am, I really am.  Has that stopped me from crying every day this week though?  Nope.  This week was supposed to be my week.  We were one week apart.  I feel like Eey.ore with  a constant rain cloud over my head and everything makes me cry.  Doesn't help that AF is right around the corner.  I expect her any second.  Literally.

I'm tired of being in this fog, and it seems once I have found my way out the fog just comes back.  My head hurts and I just want sleep.

Alright, off to therapy.  Hopefully I can get this mood in check and get on with my life. (Ha.  I just typed file. )

Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Plan

Have you guys seen the movie The Money Pit with Tom.Hanks and Shelley.Long? Yes? Ok, good.  Love, LOVE that movie.  You know the part where the bathtub falls through the ceiling after days and days of disasters and mishaps in the new house purchased by Tom and Shelley?  And Shelley looks dumbfounded and Tom points to the giant, gaping hole and laughs hysterically and just can’t stop?  It’s not a good laugh, or a funny laugh, it’s a desperate I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-else-to-do-but-laugh, laugh.  That’s how I feel this very moment!  I am literally smiling giggling under my breath at work (shhh, don’t tell) because I just saw an announcement on Fac.ebook (again, shhh) by one of my ol’ college buddies letting us alllllll know baby #3 is on the way!!!  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHA  Seriously.  That’s it.


Ok, now that that is out of the way, Happy New Year!  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and all that jazz.  Mine was fine, filled with too much wine, sugar, butter and family.  New Years Eve was lovely-just Mr. Mags, me and our zoo.

A lot has been happening around here, but I never really seem to have the energy to post about it.  Or when I do, it starts to seem irrelevant. Anyway, now I have a plan.  In the long run, I think it’s the best plan, but in the short run, I’m left to deal with the fact that here, at the beginning of January 2012, this plan will mean no take home baby by the end of 2012.  It’s weird to think that I will, for sure, celebrate another Christmas with no children. 

SO, the plan!  I am doing pretty well on Nutri.system and am going to continue on with that for a while.  As of December 23rd I was down 18 pounds…I have yet to weigh in since the holidays, but I am back on the diet train now.  Mr. Mags and I went to see Dr. T last week to layout our new plan.  He was happy with my weight loss and wants me to continue dieting for a while longer.  Our original plan was to cycle January/February, but we all agreed I should focus on loosing some more weight, so then we though maybe cycle in April?  But then a wrench was thrown into that plan.  A beautiful too-good-to-pass-up wrench.  That wrench is a trip to Greece in May!  Long story short, my sister will be there for an event she is throwing, so my Mom and Dad decided to go over while she is there, and then offered Mr. Mags and me some of their air miles to fly over for a good ol’ family vacation!!  We thought long and hard and decided that by going to Greece in May, that would give us something positive and exciting to focus on, more time for me to lose weight, and for us to prepare mentally for this next cycle…not to mention going to Greece!  I’ve always wanted to go there.  (Is it wrong that I feel like posting on FB, “Mr. Mags and I are pleased to announce that we are going to Greece in May for over 2 weeks!!”??)  This means that we will finally cycle in June/July.  6-7 months from now seems so far away, but with weight loss and a trip to Greece to focus on, I think it will be doable.

Anyway, that’s the plan.  I will contact Dr. T in April to let him know where I am in my cycle so he can create a tentative calendar for us starting the beginning of June.  We talked a lot about the last cycle and what he wants to do differently.  This time, he wants me on Lupron before we begin stims.  Last time I was on an Antagonist protocol that consisted of injections for only 12 days.  More shots this time-yay!  Whatever, at this point I’ll do whatever it takes.  Also, he wants to do a day 3 transfer instead of day 5.  He said our embryos were textbook perfect on day 3 and not so hot by day 5.  I also brought up the possibility of doing an endometrial biopsy as a further test, but it doesn’t seem like something I need done, though he was willing to do it if I wanted to. 

Another interesting possibility that I brought up, and he was excited about, is IVM: In Vitro Maturation.  Every heard of it?  It’s still a fairly new treatment in the US as far as I understand it.  It basically involves the removal of eggs before they are fully developed, letting them mature in the lab and then fertilizing them just as in IVF.  Apparently I am a good candidate for it: I’m under 35, experienced OHSS and have PCOS.  I guess it’s less invasive as far as drug protocol goes, as well as less expensive too.  As of right now, it is just an idea on the back burner, but none the less, interesting and I love having options.

I feel good about this plan, most of the time anyway.  I always want to rush things but am learning it doesn’t work that way.  Therapy helps, that’s for darned sure. 

Alright, you ladies have a great day and here is to a happy 2012!  That’s all I’m asking for.