I have a friend IRL who is doing IVF right now. Sometimes this friend is also referred to as a frenemy. It was pointed out to me by my therapist that we have a very competitive relationship. I guess I knew that, but not to the extent that I realize it now.
This friend, R, and I have a history. We've known each other for 18 years. We were best friends in high school. Inseparable friends. We had SO. MUCH. FUN. Then I went away to college and she stayed home to go to college. We remained really close, then things started to change. Arguments happened, trust was broken, real opinions were shared and feelings were very hurt. We were both at fault. She is of the nature to walk away from conflict and never look back and I am of the nature to hash it out. Sometimes I wish we both walked away. Other times I am glad we can move on with our lives, with each other still in it, but grow apart "gracefully".
We are very different people but find ourselves at very similar points in our lives. She is married and has been with her husband for almost as long as Mr. Mags and I, though only married for 2 years and has been struggling with infertility for two years. Even so, I find it hard to relate to her. As I said, she just did her first round of IVF. She overstimulated so they will be doing a frozen transfer in March. They retrieved 25 follicles! Yay for her! (No really, I do mean that.) She called me yesterday to update me on her embryo report of what made it to blast and, are you ready for this???
Yea, you read that right. 18 damned embryos made it to blast. I'm stunned. Of course I'm very happy for her that she will most likely never have to endure another fresh cycle again but....I feel like a deer in headlights or something. Am I pissed? No. Am I jealous? Probably, but I can't really tell. Am I happy for her? Yea, but why don't I feel happy? Am I just saying that because that's the right thing to say? Why do I feel so numb? What do I want to do with this information? Shove my head in the sand and let the world pass me by? Yea, uh-hu, that sounds good.