Old friends are awesome. You know the kind I’m talking about, right? The kind you can go 3 years without getting together except for the occasional “30 minute-bump-into-each-other-at-the-grocery-store” kind of visit, and when you do finally get together things are just so comfy that you forget to put the hamburger buns in a cute basket and serve the hamburger patties on a mismatched platter and it’s O.K. You all do that, right? Anyway, you catch my drift…I hope.
So, this old friend of mine, D, we go way back. Like waaaaaaay back. We were each others first playmates, but we go back even further than that, or I should say, our families go back further than that. D’s mom and my mom have been friends since they were born too. That’s because their dad’s, D’s and my Grandpa, met in Kindergarten and remained the best of friends until they both passed away. So suffice to say we are more like family and call each others parents our Aunts and Uncles.
This past weekend D came over for dinner. Her husband J ended up staying home because he was feeling under the weather. As I said before, it had been three years in the making and we had a lot to catch up on! We know most of the goings on in each others lives thanks to our moms who see each other regularly, but it was great to hear in more detail how we are both doing.
A little history for you: D is a waitress at a really nice restaurant where we live and she’s worked there for 6 years. She is married with two adorable platinum blond, blue eyed boys, ages 5 and 2. Her husband J has been out of work due to knee surgery for about 10 months. This isn’t out of the ordinary for him (the not working, not the knee surgery). D met J while she was in college. He had already graduated and is 10 years older than her. (Just like me and Mr. Mags!) They dated for a while, off and on, and wouldn’t you know it-oops! Into the picture comes baby numero Uno. I was just really beginning to feel the struggles of IF when she got pregnant, but I shined it on and was as happy for her as a friend could be who was surprised with an unplanned pregnancy with someone she wasn’t sure she wanted to be with. Long story short, when baby Uno was about 2, J finally convinced D to marry him (it took some serious wearing down), and about a year later came baby numero Dos.
It was evident, after a couple glasses of wine, that D is not happy with the direction her life has gone. She hates her job, but as the breadwinner of the family she feels she doesn’t have a lot of options. She is fortunate to have insurance coverage as a waitress-guess that can be hard to come with that position, so she doesn’t feel she can leave. As for her husband…I think she really does love him, and she loves those beautiful babies they made together to pieces, but I’m not sure she is in love with him. It makes me so sad for her.
We talked for a while about the benefits of her job, i.e. she gets to stay home with her kids all day and then work in the evenings. She makes pretty decent money doing what she does not to mention she has a lot of seniority and a great schedule. And a job she can leave at the drop of the hat if one of her kids needs her. There are some perks, but I empathize with the position she’s in.
We also talked about my job and of course IF. She very sweetly said she knew a little from what her mom had told her, but just didn’t know how, or if, she should bring it up, or what she should say because she didn’t want to say the wrong thing. *happy sigh* That was SO refreshing to hear. A completely honest expression of concern. I thanked her. I let her know we are taking a break from the whole thing and want to try again very soon, but if that doesn’t work, we aren’t sure where w will go from there. We just won’t know what the right thing to do is until we get there. She asked about all of the different options that we would be available to us if we did end up “there”. I let her know about egg donor, embryo donor, surrogacy, adoption and “child-free living” (I hate that effing term). Then she made the most generous offer a person could make to an infertile. Use of her womb. She said, “I’d do it. I’ll be your surrogate if you need one.” I was kind of taken aback by it, not really knowing what to say other than, “that’s so sweet”, which is hardly the kind of thank you I would expect to give someone offering use of their uterus to me. D went on to say that she had actually talked to her husband J about it several and it made him a bit nervous, but that she really wanted to do it for us. She said she is done with babies for herself, but she would do it for me. What an amazing friend.
After our evening of burgers and wine I got to thinking about her offer a little more. I have actually had another friend (L) offer to be a surrogate for us, but I never thought much of it. I thanked her and brushed it off, and to be honest, I’m sure she is hoping I forgot too! Her last pregnancy had a few complications and would probably take her out of the running anyway. But D’s offer seemed so serious and heartfelt. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in a different place or because in all honesty, I can really see her carrying our baby. I have even imagined different scenarios where she is pregnant with our baby. Is that weird? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I desperately want to be the one to carry our baby, but if we were fortunate enough to arrange anyone else out there in the world to carry it, it would be D. She is smart, laid back, a wonderful mother and undoubtedly a wonderful friend. Obviously we would need her husband to be fully on board with the idea. I would never embark on something like this with J being hesitant or nervous. And a lot more research would need to be done, but for now, it is nice to know that this is a possible option.