Where do you draw the line?

I’ve been reading a lot of new blogs lately.  I’m a total sucker for IRL friends blogs, crafty blogs and food blogs.  I love food.  I live in a part of the country where I am just minutes away from where some of the worlds best restaurants are located (no joke!) and I like to take advantage when I can.  Could be *ehh-hem* why I need to lose some (a lot) weight.  I like to think that I am just appreciating the culinary arts and stimulating the economy!  But I am totally getting off topic here.  And I’ll talk about the weight thing another day when I get the courage.  (See, I told you I love food.)

Back to the new blogs.  I stumbled across a few infertility blogs that are very Christ centered.  (I said before in my first post I might tackle some more religious issues I am going through and this is one of them. If you are not religious, please read on if you will.  I would love your input.)  So far I am enjoying these blogs a lot.  I do find myself skimming over the bible verses though.  I just can’t seem to stomach them lately.  There is a lot of talk about “God’s Plan” and that we all are basically issued one at birth. 

I don’t know what to make of this. 

On one hand, the bitter infertile in me begs to question, “Really?  It’s God’s plan for Mr. Mags and me to go through infertility treatments and 3 miscarriages over a (nearly) 7 year time period?”  or “Really?  It’s God’s plan for my sister to endure a messy divorce at the age of 30 and still be single and feeling very alone now at the age of 35?”  or  “Really?  It’s God’s plan to have Mr. Mags mom pass away from early on-set Alzheimer’s at the age of 63?”  or  “Really?  It’s God’s plan for my cousin J to marry a man and 8 months later find out about his…uhh…extra curricular activities?!?”  I could go on, and on, and on questioning much worse things in people’s lives as well as my own, but you get the point. 

On the other hand I think back to about 2 years ago when I (metaphorically) threw my hands up in the air and said, “It’s all you God!  You’re driving this roller coaster!”  And you know what?  I was happy.  Like, really happy.  I had just gone to a “Christian re-vamp” type of weekend and was feeling so renewed and refreshed and…happy.  I really started to believe God had a “Plan” for me and I just needed to be a devoted Christian and have faith. 

Then things like miscarriages and such happen and I now look at God in a different light.  Or, you know…I’m just not really even looking at Him right now.  I feel like I am whistling looking around trying not to focus on anything because I don’t know what to do or think.  Right now I feel like me saying this is God’s plan would be naive of me.  (Please note that this is just a feeling I find very hard to describe and put into words.  It’s nothing against anyone’s beliefs at all.)  It just sounds like I am passing the buck, so to speak, and not taking responsibility, action, the blame or doing anything about it to change my life.  I mean, theoretically speaking, wouldn’t this, right here *me sitting at my desk working typing a blog entry* be part of the “Plan”?  Is this where I am supposed to be at this point in time in my life?  But wait, I wanted to go get a sugar free mocha today at lunch and I didn’t…was this my decision or was it God’s will?  Ok, ok, that’s a little far fetched, but you get my point, right?  Right?

*Crickets*

Aaaaaaand moving on…

So, I feel like I have experienced both sides of the spectrum: Truly believing and having faith in God’s Plan and I guess a more scientific approach to looking at things…basically thinking “sh*t happens”.  I suppose I could use some guidance, but I don’t know who to turn to.  I haven’t been to church since May 29^th.  I remember the date because that was the day I told my parents, in church, that I was pregnant.  I don’t feel like I can talk to the priest of our church because he just happens to be my BFF’s Dad and he and his wife are BFF with my parents.  I have known him since I was 3 and he is basically like a second Dad.  I know the human, not-so-priestly side of him as well and it would be weird. 

So, my question to you dear readers/followers (and I love all 5 of you!), is this:

Where do you draw the line between God’s will and free will?

Is it God’s will that I chose to do IVF or was it my choice?  Do I sit around and wait for a baby to fall into my lap, or do I take action by seeking more fertility treatments?  Would the answer to that question come to me as my own free will, or is that all a part of God’s plan? 

In writing this post, and reading over the big question of God’s will versus free will, I think the answer might depend on who is at the receiving end of the question.  I guess I just want to know what makes peoples convictions so strong.  How do they know they’re right?  If I go talk to a priest, pastor or rabbi, they will probably all have different answers for me.  Then what?? 

*sigh*

I seriously wish there was a phone line to God’s office…with call waiting of course, cause I bet that would be one busy phone.