Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Tips for Fertiles on How to Alienate Infertile Family and Friends:

  • As a general rule of thumb, bring up said infertiles infertility issues as often as possible during any casual conversation or say, for example, at a family gathering.
  • Make sure to constantly suggest to any infertile that they try adoption and proceed to tell them how your Aunt’s, sister’s, neighbor’s, cousin’s, college roommate adopted and, wha-la!  Pregnant!
  • When said infertile has stated that they are on a break from fertility treatments, continue to ask them about non-existent fertility treatments.   Also, remind them not to practice “bad habits”, such as hiring an exterminator to spray infertiles house for bugs, when on said “break”.  Simply tell them, “Yes, I see you have a gazillion spiders, but you shouldn’t hire an exterminator to spray pesticides on your house while trying to get pregnant.”  Break-shmake.
  • If you are, say, a new member of the infertiles family, for example, a newly married woman to said infertiles uncle, write a letter to said infertile suggesting that the infertile let go of “trying” and scrap IVF.  Also mention that it’s probably not “God’s Plan” for said infertile to have biological children and suggest, again, adoption.  Again, enforce letting go of said “Infertiles Plan” and embrace “God’s Plan”. 
  • If you are the brother of an infertile, the following should be especially helpful to you:
  1. During any of your baby’s waking hours, especially on a long weekend getaway to the family cabin with your infertile Brother and Sister-in-Law, make sure to keep the TV turned off.  Be sure to state that the TV is to remain off when said baby is awake because she becomes fixated with it.  Also state that said baby is entertainment enough.
  2. Constantly “shush” anyone who attempts to have a conversation because they may wake the baby who is sleeping in the bedroom.  So what if there are three fans running and a white noise machine in the baby’s room to drown out a jet plane incase it passes overhead!
  3.  After getting into an argument with your infertile brother about possibly waking the fertile brother’s  9 month old baby, proceed to tell yell to the infertile brother “Don’t tell me how to raise my kid!!  I’ll f*cking kill you!!  You have no f*cking idea what it’s like to have a baby!”  Make sure to do this on the same day that the infertile brother tells you of his wife’s third miscarriage. 
  4.  Once the baby is asleep and the adults are ready to settle in to watch a movie, suggest that the movie selected is one that everyone has already seen, that way the volume can be turned down as low as possible and everyone will still know what is going on.  Continue “shushing” anyone who speaks within earshot.
  5.  Act incredibly surprised when infertile Sister-in-Law enters your bedroom to wake you early the next morning with a non-hushed voice to tell you that the infertiles are leaving a day ahead of schedule and they have managed to pack up their belongings and travel up and down the stairs, with their dog (and shockingly your two dogs) following each time, directly above your and the baby’s room, all without waking any of you.  Be sure to have all three fans running and the white noise machine on so this is possible.  After all, they might WAKE THE BABY. 
  • Always try and relate your 7 month “struggle” to get pregnant to any infertiles journey or life.  It really helps said infertile put in perspective just how long, say, 7 years really is.
  •  It’s a good idea to throw a holiday party and hire a Santa for the children of friends and family to visit with.  Remember, anyone without a child is not invited and not welcome.
  •  Constantly remind the infertile that it could be worse.  After all, THEY get to sleep in-the nerve!!
  •  When in doubt, suggest the following: A vacation, just relax, and if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.

Congratulations!  You have just successfully alienated your infertile friend or family member!!

*If you are a fertile and you managed to read through my snarky post, thank you!  We all stick our foot in our mouths sometime or another, including yours truly! Humor gets me through. :)


  1. Hilarious! Now that I'm PG, I've been given all kinds of advice, but the best (seriously) is NOT to do the whole "Shhh, the baby is sleeping" thing. Make noise. That way the baby can sleep through anything.