I couldn't do it...

I tried, but I just couldn't.  I got THIS close (that's super-duper close) to pressing the "face.book" share button on the National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) page, but I just couldn't do it.  I mean, I'm kind of shaky I was that close.  Of course, that could be my morning coffee, but I digress. 

Most of my family and friends know that Mr. Mags and I have been struggling with infertility for a long time, but to put it on Face.book and really tell "the world" so to speak?  I guess I'm not ready to tell EVERYONE.  I really want to be a great advocate and inform people about infertility, and really, I have no problem telling complete strangers about the woes of the disease...why is it so hard to tell people we know, but aren't necessarily super close with?  What's stopping me? 

Have you guys "come out of the closet"? Do you think it's beneficial to tell people or keep it to yourself?  It's hard to raise awareness and NOT talk about it.  Humm...maybe tomorrow....and less coffee might help too.

Hello, April

(Sit back and relax.  It’s long and lacking flow.  Good luck.)

Holy smokes.  It’s been a long time since I posted!  It’s hard for me to figure out where to begin with what has been going on in my life.  I honestly thought the beginning of the year would drag until June or so until we get to our next IVF cycle, but I find myself feeling like a little kid holding her mom’s hand and the mom is walking too fast.  You know that feeling, right?  Where you try and keep up with her pace, but sometimes your feet never touch the ground and you can’t decide whether to laugh or cry so you do both? 

So, in no particular order, this is the latest goings on of my life in a nutshell:

(No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

I’ve been going to therapy very regularly and find that it is very helpful.  We have recently been talking more about my actual diagnosis.  I find it fascinating for some reason.  I also find it scary too.  I have been diagnosed with dysthymic disorder and oddly enough PTSD.  Apparently PTSD is being used in a more general sense and there is starting to be more research done on the effect of infertility, pregnancy loss and PTSD.  Obviously there are more severe cases than others, mine not being that severe, but when I did my own research, it makes sense.  Dysthymic disorder is what is really kind of scary to me.  It’s a low grade depression that goes on and on and on…sometimes for years.  I have done research on that and, when looking back at my life, see that I have been depressed for several years.  There can be moments of clarity and happiness that last for a couple of days, weeks or even months, but then I step back into that fog that I have talked about before.  I can still function and laugh even, but just feel SO down and hopeless.  I have never dealt with depression before.  I am the first one in my family that I know of, aside from an uncle I don’t know very well who was recently diagnosed as bipolar, that has been diagnosed with some form of depression.  Although if my suspicions are correct, my sister has something going on there too.  Anyway, I’m learning a lot about myself and it’s a good thing.

I’ve lost 22 pounds since November, yay!  I wish it was more, but I’ll take it.  Mr. Mags and I are following the South Beach Diet with some of our own modifications.  We are sticking to low fat dairy instead of nonfat as that has been recommended to us fertility wise.  We have also cut out all artificial sweeteners and are replacing that with coconut palm sugar.  Its actually quite good-tastes similar to brown sugar with a hint of graham flavor.  This sugar is very low on the glycemic index with out being artificial.  It was also recommended to us to use this substitution for fertility purposes.  Mr. Mags and I are doing everything we can to try and produce the best/healthiest embryos possible.  We are both on Co.ast Scie.nce fertility supplements that are chock full of antioxidants and other good stuff.  I’ve managed to hit a plateau in my weight loss though, so it’s time to step up the exercise a bit more.  In fact, I am going to Zu.mba tonight!  I am TERRIBLE, but it’s a good workout anyway and I like to think I entertain the class!

Mr. Mags and I are currently in the process of remodeling our kitchen.  I can’t wait for it to be done.  Seriously.  Living in a construction zone is dusty and dirty enough…add 3 animals in the mix and you might as well be living outside in the dirt.  It’s a slow process since we are basically doing it all ourselves with the help of my Dad and Uncle.  But it will be fantastic when it’s done!

Speaking of animals, poor B-Dog broke his little toe!!  He was playing fetch a little too aggressively.  Poor guy.  He sure is cute though and hasn't let his splint slow him down!

We call him Cap'in B-Dog because he sounds like he has a wooden peg leg. (Crappy cell phone picture!)

 

The countdown to Greece has begun!  I am SO excited and I’m really hoping my sister and I have gotten our bickering out of the way before hand.  I love my sister, but she can drive me absolutely batty.  Most of our bickerments have stemmed from sleeping arrangements.  Mr. Mags and I would be happy to sleep on an air mattress in a kitchen.  We honestly don’t care.  But Sister Mags too often uses, “Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I should be the one to sleep on the couch!”  I’m so over it, especially when we offered to sleep wherever.  That girl needs some tough love from her family and she just keeps getting babied.  And my mom makes it worse with her, “we need to be sensitive to Sister Mags needs…Sister Mags is so lonely…Yes, but Sister Mags comes home to an empty house and you don’t” which I do agree with to some extent, but it has been several (maybe 6 years or so) since Sister Mags has even dated anyone and we hear complaints about it all of the time, but she never does anything about it.  It’s like living in a three ring circus with my mom and sister.  *sigh* 

I am currently reading a book about personal boundaries my therapist gave me since my family has no understanding whatsoever of what boundaries are.  At all.  For example, last Christmas time, Sister and her friend came to spend the holidays with our family.  Sister and her friend stayed at my house for a few nights, but apparently Mr. Mags had planed a “special night” for us.  He went ahead with it anyway and when I came to bed at about 10 he had candles lit in our bedroom, a bottle of my favorite champagne on ice, flowers and a gift for me to uhh…wear.  It was very sweet and romantic and we had a great time if ya know what I mean.  The next morning I told Sister how sweet it was.  My mistake apparently because a couple of days later Mr. Mags and I, Sister and Parents (thank God her friend was gone) were playing a board game together and my dad made a crack about me having a “good night” a few nights ago.  Sister told my PARENTS about my late night rendezvous with Mr. Mags.  I was furious.  No one except Mr. Mags understood that it was a total infringement of privacy.

Anyway, back to Greece.  I’m excited and a tad apprehensive of spending that much time (2.5 weeks) with my family, but know we will make some great memories.  In preparation for Greece, I bought a camera!  I have a little point and shoot, but I wanted a nice SLR.  When I found my old stash of savings bonds I decided to cash them in and get myself a Ni.kon D3100!  I took some classes in college and was actually pretty good at it too.  I keep dreaming of all of the pictures of vegetables and fish I will take at the market and the blue doors in Santorini.  Sounds silly, but I my head the colors are spectacular!

The past two weeks have been a bit crazy for me.  There just seems to be so much going on.  Mr. Mags is dealing with some work drama that seems to finally be smoothing out a bit.  My BFF is dating?  Seeing?  Hanging out with?  A guy we went to high school with.  He is darn good to look at, but I think he might be taking advantage of her generosity.  I can’t tell for sure though and this worries me. 

Last weekend I found out from R that she is indeed pregnant, possibly with twins.  She doesn’t know for sure, but had a very high beta.  She texted me to tell me.  I was in the middle of Wh.ole Foo.ds and instantly fell into a daze.  Honestly, I’m really glad she texted and didn’t call me.  It gave me time to be able to take in the information and react the way I needed to.  It was a very honest, nice text too, so no complaints here.  I finished my errands and came home and cried.  Mr. Mags hugged me and told me it would be ok and our turn is coming.  He said all the right things and I SO appreciated it.  Then we had champagne to celebrate us.  I handled it a lot better than I thought I would.  I try not to think about it too much because it does still hurt, but I am happy for her and am able to separate my sadness from her pregnancy. 

On another note, my dear friend L called me in tears last week to tell me she had just dropped B off at rehab.  So heart breaking.  I was aware of their situation, but thought B had been doing well.  Apparently so did she.  He relapsed and they decided to seek professional help.  I am SO proud of him and even more proud of her.  She is so strong dealing with this, especially around her two young kids, yet allows herself to break down and accept help with a couple close friends and her “gal”.  (That’s how we refer to our therapists to each other because saying “therapist” feels weird to us.)  So I have been going to see her and help out where I can.  She lives about 45 min away so it’s not as easy as we would like it.  It seems though, that the best help I can be to her is to just listen and encourage her. 

So this, ladies, has been my life in nutshell!  I have been busy trying to be a good friend to BFF and L, and a good wife to Mr. Mags, but also take care of myself.  R said she would call me when she’s “not a wreck”, but I still haven’t heard from her.  That's OK by me.  I’m not sure I am ready to play the roll of supportive friend to a pregnant friend who has a tendency to complain.  

Thanks for catching up with me!!

Mags

xoxo

R's Luck

I have a friend IRL who is doing IVF right now.  Sometimes this friend is also referred to as a frenemy.  It was pointed out to me by my therapist that we have a very competitive relationship.  I guess I knew that, but not to the extent that I realize it now. 

This friend, R, and I have a history.  We've known each other for 18 years. We were best friends in high school.  Inseparable friends.  We had SO. MUCH. FUN.  Then I went away to college and she stayed home to go to college.  We remained really close, then things started to change.  Arguments happened, trust was broken, real opinions were shared and feelings were very hurt.  We were both at fault.  She is of the nature to walk away from conflict and never look back and I am of the nature to hash it out.  Sometimes I wish we both walked away. Other times I am glad we can move on with our lives, with each other still in it, but grow apart "gracefully". 

We are very different people but find ourselves at very similar points in our lives.  She is married and has been with her husband for almost as long as Mr. Mags and I, though only married for 2 years and has been struggling with infertility for two years.  Even so, I find it hard to relate to her.   As I said, she just did her first round of IVF.  She overstimulated so they will be doing a frozen transfer in March.  They retrieved 25 follicles!  Yay for her!  (No really, I do mean that.)  She called me yesterday to update me on her embryo report of what made it to blast and, are you ready for this???




18



Yea, you read that right.  18 damned embryos made it to blast. I'm stunned.  Of course I'm very happy for her that she will most likely never have to endure another fresh cycle again but....I feel like a deer in headlights or something.  Am I pissed?  No.  Am I jealous?  Probably, but I can't really tell.  Am I happy for her?  Yea, but why don't I feel happy?  Am I just saying that because that's the right thing to say? Why do I feel so numb? What do I want to do with this information?  Shove my head in the sand and let the world pass me by?  Yea, uh-hu, that sounds good.

Rough

Simply put, this week has been rough.  I feel like a fighter in the ring that has no fight left. 

My cousin and his wife had their baby this past Sunday.  He is perfect, adorable and healthy.  We are all so thankful.  I am, I really am.  Has that stopped me from crying every day this week though?  Nope.  This week was supposed to be my week.  We were one week apart.  I feel like Eey.ore with  a constant rain cloud over my head and everything makes me cry.  Doesn't help that AF is right around the corner.  I expect her any second.  Literally.

I'm tired of being in this fog, and it seems once I have found my way out the fog just comes back.  My head hurts and I just want sleep.

Alright, off to therapy.  Hopefully I can get this mood in check and get on with my life. (Ha.  I just typed file. )

The Plan

Have you guys seen the movie The Money Pit with Tom.Hanks and Shelley.Long? Yes? Ok, good.  Love, LOVE that movie.  You know the part where the bathtub falls through the ceiling after days and days of disasters and mishaps in the new house purchased by Tom and Shelley?  And Shelley looks dumbfounded and Tom points to the giant, gaping hole and laughs hysterically and just can’t stop?  It’s not a good laugh, or a funny laugh, it’s a desperate I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-else-to-do-but-laugh, laugh.  That’s how I feel this very moment!  I am literally smiling giggling under my breath at work (shhh, don’t tell) because I just saw an announcement on Fac.ebook (again, shhh) by one of my ol’ college buddies letting us alllllll know baby #3 is on the way!!!  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHA  Seriously.  That’s it.

Eh-hem

Ok, now that that is out of the way, Happy New Year!  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and all that jazz.  Mine was fine, filled with too much wine, sugar, butter and family.  New Years Eve was lovely-just Mr. Mags, me and our zoo.

A lot has been happening around here, but I never really seem to have the energy to post about it.  Or when I do, it starts to seem irrelevant. Anyway, now I have a plan.  In the long run, I think it’s the best plan, but in the short run, I’m left to deal with the fact that here, at the beginning of January 2012, this plan will mean no take home baby by the end of 2012.  It’s weird to think that I will, for sure, celebrate another Christmas with no children. 

SO, the plan!  I am doing pretty well on Nutri.system and am going to continue on with that for a while.  As of December 23^rd I was down 18 pounds…I have yet to weigh in since the holidays, but I am back on the diet train now.  Mr. Mags and I went to see Dr. T last week to layout our new plan.  He was happy with my weight loss and wants me to continue dieting for a while longer.  Our original plan was to cycle January/February, but we all agreed I should focus on loosing some more weight, so then we though maybe cycle in April?  But then a wrench was thrown into that plan.  A beautiful too-good-to-pass-up wrench.  That wrench is a trip to Greece in May!  Long story short, my sister will be there for an event she is throwing, so my Mom and Dad decided to go over while she is there, and then offered Mr. Mags and me some of their air miles to fly over for a good ol’ family vacation!!  We thought long and hard and decided that by going to Greece in May, that would give us something positive and exciting to focus on, more time for me to lose weight, and for us to prepare mentally for this next cycle…not to mention going to Greece!  I’ve always wanted to go there.  (Is it wrong that I feel like posting on FB, “Mr. Mags and I are pleased to announce that we are going to Greece in May for over 2 weeks!!”??)  This means that we will finally cycle in June/July.  6-7 months from now seems so far away, but with weight loss and a trip to Greece to focus on, I think it will be doable.

Anyway, that’s the plan.  I will contact Dr. T in April to let him know where I am in my cycle so he can create a tentative calendar for us starting the beginning of June.  We talked a lot about the last cycle and what he wants to do differently.  This time, he wants me on Lupron before we begin stims.  Last time I was on an Antagonist protocol that consisted of injections for only 12 days.  More shots this time-yay!  Whatever, at this point I’ll do whatever it takes.  Also, he wants to do a day 3 transfer instead of day 5.  He said our embryos were textbook perfect on day 3 and not so hot by day 5.  I also brought up the possibility of doing an endometrial biopsy as a further test, but it doesn’t seem like something I need done, though he was willing to do it if I wanted to. 

Another interesting possibility that I brought up, and he was excited about, is IVM: In Vitro Maturation.  Every heard of it?  It’s still a fairly new treatment in the US as far as I understand it.  It basically involves the removal of eggs before they are fully developed, letting them mature in the lab and then fertilizing them just as in IVF.  Apparently I am a good candidate for it: I’m under 35, experienced OHSS and have PCOS.  I guess it’s less invasive as far as drug protocol goes, as well as less expensive too.  As of right now, it is just an idea on the back burner, but none the less, interesting and I love having options.

I feel good about this plan, most of the time anyway.  I always want to rush things but am learning it doesn’t work that way.  Therapy helps, that’s for darned sure. 

Alright, you ladies have a great day and here is to a happy 2012!  That’s all I’m asking for.