Options

Old friends are awesome.  You know the kind I’m talking about, right?  The kind you can go 3 years without getting together except for the occasional “30 minute-bump-into-each-other-at-the-grocery-store” kind of visit, and when you do finally get together things are just so comfy that you forget to put the hamburger buns in a cute basket and serve the hamburger patties on a mismatched platter and it’s O.K.  You all do that, right?  Anyway, you catch my drift…I hope.

So, this old friend of mine, D, we go way back.  Like waaaaaaay back.  We were each others first playmates, but we go back even further than that, or I should say, our families go back further than that.  D’s mom and my mom have been friends since they were born too.  That’s because their dad’s, D’s and my Grandpa, met in Kindergarten and remained the best of friends until they both passed away.  So suffice to say we are more like family and call each others parents our Aunts and Uncles. 

This past weekend D came over for dinner.  Her husband J ended up staying home because he was feeling under the weather.  As I said before, it had been three years in the making and we had a lot to catch up on!  We know most of the goings on in each others lives thanks to our moms who see each other regularly, but it was great to hear in more detail how we are both doing.

A little history for you:  D is a waitress at a really nice restaurant where we live and she’s worked there for 6 years.  She is married with two adorable platinum blond, blue eyed boys, ages 5 and 2.  Her husband J has been out of work due to knee surgery for about 10 months.  This isn’t out of the ordinary for him (the not working, not the knee surgery).  D met J while she was in college.  He had already graduated and is 10 years older than her.  (Just like me and Mr. Mags!)  They dated for a while, off and on, and wouldn’t you know it-oops!  Into the picture comes baby numero Uno.  I was just really beginning to feel the struggles of IF when she got pregnant, but I shined it on and was as happy for her as a friend could be who was surprised with an unplanned pregnancy with someone she wasn’t sure she wanted to be with.  Long story short, when baby Uno was about 2, J finally convinced D to marry him (it took some serious wearing down), and about a year later came baby numero Dos.

It was evident, after a couple glasses of wine, that D is not happy with the direction her life has gone.  She hates her job, but as the breadwinner of the family she feels she doesn’t have a lot of options.  She is fortunate to have insurance coverage as a waitress-guess that can be hard to come with that position, so she doesn’t feel she can leave.  As for her husband…I think she really does love him, and she loves those beautiful babies they made together to pieces, but I’m not sure she is in love with him.  It makes me so sad for her. 

We talked for a while about the benefits of her job, i.e. she gets to stay home with her kids all day and then work in the evenings.  She makes pretty decent money doing what she does not to mention she has a lot of seniority and a great schedule.  And a job she can leave at the drop of the hat if one of her kids needs her.  There are some perks, but I empathize with the position she’s in. 

We also talked about my job and of course IF.  She very sweetly said she knew a little from what her mom had told her, but just didn’t know how, or if, she should bring it up, or what she should say because she didn’t want to say the wrong thing.  *happy sigh*  That was SO refreshing to hear.  A completely honest expression of concern.  I thanked her.  I let her know we are taking a break from the whole thing and want to try again very soon, but if that doesn’t work, we aren’t sure where w will go from there.  We just won’t know what the right thing to do is until we get there.  She asked about all of the different options that we would be available to us if we did end up “there”.  I let her know about egg donor, embryo donor, surrogacy, adoption and “child-free living” (I hate that effing term).  Then she made the most generous offer a person could make to an infertile.  Use of her womb.  She said, “I’d do it.  I’ll be your surrogate if you need one.”  I was kind of taken aback by it, not really knowing what to say other than, “that’s so sweet”, which is hardly the kind of thank you I would expect to give someone offering use of their uterus to me.  D went on to say that she had actually talked to her husband J about it several and it made him a bit nervous, but that she really wanted to do it for us.  She said she is done with babies for herself, but she would do it for me.  What an amazing friend. 

After our evening of burgers and wine I got to thinking about her offer a little more.  I have actually had another friend (L) offer to be a surrogate for us, but I never thought much of it.  I thanked her and brushed it off, and to be honest, I’m sure she is hoping I forgot too!  Her last pregnancy had a few complications and would probably take her out of the running anyway.  But D’s offer seemed so serious and heartfelt.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m in a different place or because in all honesty, I can really see her carrying our baby.  I have even imagined different scenarios where she is pregnant with our baby.  Is that weird?  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I desperately want to be the one to carry our baby, but if we were fortunate enough to arrange anyone else out there in the world to carry it, it would be D.  She is smart, laid back, a wonderful mother and undoubtedly a wonderful friend.  Obviously we would need her husband to be fully on board with the idea.  I would never embark on something like this with J being hesitant or nervous.  And a lot more research would need to be done, but for now, it is nice to know that this is a possible option. 

Therapy

First off, thank you to those of you who commented with comforting words about my being nervous for my first therapy visit.  It really did help calm my nerves.

Now.  Where to begin.  I think I like therapy, but I’m not sure.  The lady I spoke with, we’ll call her F, was very sweet and I suppose I found it easy to talk to her because I was in tears in no time.  I didn’t know what to say at first because I have never done anything like this before.  She asked what I wanted to get out of therapy.  I’m pretty sure I had a blank stare of my face because it took me a while to answer.  Plus, my answer in a nut shell was, “hell if I know”.  So she started to ask me questions about how long Mr. Mags and I had been trying for a baby and then everything just sort of bubbled up to the surface.  I seriously can’t believe how much I told her in an hour, and looking back I wonder if she was overwhelmed by my babbling or able to keep tally on what I was saying.  I mean, we went through the whole gamete!

PCOS – Check!

Hypothyroid – Check!

Bicornuate Uterus – Check!

Mother-in-Law’s passing – Check!

3 RE’s – Check!

11 total Clomid Cycles – Check!

3 IUI’s – Check!

1 IVF – Check!

1 FET – Check!

3 Losses – Check!

3 Job layoffs – Check!

2 Moves – Check!

1 Short Sale – Check!

Weight Issues – Check!

Spiritual Crisis – Check!

Family Drama – Check!

Seriously, that’s a lot of shit.  SHIT I tell you. 

Anyway, she mentioned some things she thought we could work on and get to the root of, for example; I know I NEED to lose weight.  I know HOW to lose weight.  I know I am doing things right now NOT to lose weight.  But WHY am I doing those things?  Again, “hell if I know”. 

There were a few things that kind of pissed off the bitter infertile in me though.  When we first started talking about PCOS and my hypothyroidism F asked me if I had ever tried acupuncture and that her friend had gotten several women pregnant with that.  I just rolled my eyes and said, “That’s nice.  And I do go to acupuncture.”  Then she asked me if I had heard of a “Fertility Cookbook” that is supposed to make you more fertile.  (SERIOUSLY?!?!?!)  I, politely as possible, interrupted her and told her that I was beyond all of that.  I’ve been there and done that and now I’m here.  She nodded in agreement and I felt kind of bad for blowing her ideas down, but, like I said, I’m done with that route-it didn’t work for me and I’ve moved on.

As the talking continued she asked me how old I was and I told her, 31.  She said, “The good news is you’re still young, you’ve got plenty of time”.  Again, I told her as politely as possible that I was extremely tired of people telling me that I was young.  I have been hearing that for 7 years and what good has it done me?  She actually responded by telling me, “Thank you.  I need for you to continue to tell me when I’ve said something to upset you or I suggest a direction you are not interested in going.  This is your session and your time.”  Wow.  She was right, I was right, so that was pretty neat!  I really can say what I want and need to say in there. 

The whole issue of my age and Mr. Mags age brought up some heavy stuff though, which is a good thing I suppose.  What a lot of my fear and anxiety comes down to in regard to wanting a baby and wanting it NOW is that I am afraid I am going to lose Mr. Mags to early onset Alzheimer’s.  I have this timeline in my head that he is going to start showing signs any day now and be diagnosed (as best as Dr.’s can) with it by 58, just like his mom was and pass away at 64.  That means if I were to get pregnant tomorrow our kid would be 16 when his dad is diagnosed at 58 with that horrendous disease.  And say we are lucky enough to have another baby after who would be 14 or so.  The thought just tears my up inside…and God forbid it happen earlier!  We dove a little further into it than that and maybe I’ll share that on a rainy day.

Needless to say I left feeling completely bewildered and exhausted.  I don’t know if I really liked it or not.  It was so weird to have someone sit there and just kind of stare at me with this concerned look on her face while I talked and cried. 

One thing I really did take away from this is, in looking back on my session I relayed “my story” fast and slow, mumbled and jumbled and completely unorganized and out of order.  I realize THAT is how my life feels right now.  Completely unorganized, out of order and totally jumbled. 

I have another appointment next week, so until then, the verdict is still out.  Is therapy for me?  I’m not sure.  It could be that I’m just scared to do the “work”.

What to expect….

No, not when you’re expecting.  *hurumph*  What to expect from your first visit to therapy….like, first visit ever.  I finally made an appointment for a therapy/counseling/whatever-it’s-called session and it’s today.  *gulp*

I had been hemming and hawing about finding someone and putting off calling like nobody’s business.  Then the other day I found a woman who specializes in infertility and had, in fact, gone through her own IF journey.  I was intrigued and sent an email.  I thought well, maybe she will get it and email me back in a few days or weeks even.  You know those “contact me through the website” messages never seem to make it to the intended recipient.  What do you know, 30 minutes later I had an appointment set up to talk over the phone.  Sheesh, that was fast. 

We talked for about 10 minutes and the first thing she said to me was, “Mags, I’m SO sorry you are going through this.  No one should have to.”  She about damn near had me in tears right there!  Anyway, she sounds nice, so we will see what happens.

Here’s the thing though.  I’m nervous.  SUPER nervous.  I have never done this before and I don’t know what to expect.  I’m afraid I will walk in there and say, “Hi, I’m Mags and …bawwwaaaaaaaaa!!!!!” and start crying on the spot.  And then I will start talking to her between sobs and she will think, “wow, she’d be a crap mom.”  Or, that she’s going to judge me because I am overweight and want to have a baby and then ask me what I had for dinner last night and I am going to have to tell her that instead of having a salad with lots of veggies and chicken breast I made chicken enchilada’s with low fat cheese and whole grain tortillas served with non-fat re-fried beans and green beans and proceeded to follow that by eating 3 cookies!!!  

In all seriousness, I am nervous about what might come up.  What she might shed light on that I have swept under the rug…and ya know, maybe I just want to keep it under the rug.  I don’t know.

I guess I never saw myself needing therapy.  I have several friends who go and say it’s wonderful and everyone should go.  I agree that it sounds cool and maybe I should check it out, but I never do.  It’s not that I look down on it.  I don’t at all.  In fact from what I have read online and witnessed from above mentioned friends, it really does some beneficial.  I guess I just always thought I could do “it” on my own.  “It” being what ever is going on in my life at the time.  Plus I’m not a big sharer.  Could have fooled you, huh?  (Sharing on this blog has been a big step!)

Then I start to think about the fact that this whole baby thing has take up 7 years of my life and then I CANNOT believe I went 7 years with out seeking help or guidance!  Anyway, I will let you all know how it goes.  Wish me luck!

7

 7 years on October 16^th.  That’s how long Mr. Mags and I have been married.  Those 7 years have been full of ups and downs that we all experience in marriage, some more than others I suppose.  I am so fortunate to say though, that those downs have really made us so much stronger as a couple.  And as for the ups?  Well, those are that much sweeter! 

I’ll be honest.  I started writing this post listing all of the crappy things that have happened in the past 7 years.  Seriously Mags?! That’s how you want to remember the last 7 years?!  Who wants to read through that?  A laundry list of pooooor me’s.  *shakes head at self*

Moving on.

So, this year Mr. Mags planned a surprise get away for us!  Well, I sort of knew about it because I had to take Monday off and we usually take a trip on our anniversary, but I had NO idea where we were going this year.  In the past we have gone to:

2005: Mendocino, CA

2006: Tahoe, CA

2007: Dinner at home made by yours truly (Hey, we were both unemployed and broke!)

2008: Calistoga, CA

2009: Fancy-schmancy dinner out and presents!

2010: Maui

Let me preface this by saying that Mr. Mags loves the outdoors.  He loves to camp and fly fish and do all kinds of naturey stuff.  I grew up doing this kind of stuff too and I enjoy it...60% of the time, every time.  (Bonus points if you know what movie that’s from!)  Let’s just say my pallet has changed a bit and I enjoy a lovely B & B with a gourmet breakfast<--again with the food.

We left on a Saturday morning and drove up Highway 101 and got to our destination…Garberville.  Ever heard of it?  Me neither.  It’s located in Humboldt County.  I was a little apprehensive as we turned off the freeway and into our hotel across from a park with several bums/hippies camping out.  Hippies* and all though, Garberville is actually a very cute little town.  You’ve got your local grocery store, a darling baby boutique that I of course had to go into, the standard Humboldt County hemp store and lots of organic, natural stores. 

Mr. Mags had every thing planned out.  We drove the “Avenue of the Giants” which was just gorgeous, Redwoods really are majestic. 

We went to the Lost Coast and walked on the beach with B-dog (it was his first beach visit! <insert “awwww’s” here>), we went to Ferndale and did a little shopping-darling town.  But Mr. Mags really scored points when we visited a local cheese factory *stomach growls*.  Seriously, this man knows where my heart lies.  Ever since I was a child I’ve had an odd fascination with how cheese is made.  I love to see the process with the cheese curds (cheese curds!!) and the aging and….*swoon*.  Anyway, the cheese was ah-mazing.  We left with roasted garlic jack, habanero jack, aged white cheddar, the largest bag of cheddar cheese curds we could get and full bellies.  It was a good day. 

In fact the whole weekend was wonderful.  There was lots of uninterrupted “us” time which is always lovely.  So thank you Mr. Mags for planning a wonderful trip that I would have never thought to go on!  You make my life so full and are a constant source of love and entertainment! Xoxo

*Disclaimer:  Don’t get me wrong, I love hippies.  Really I do.  I mean, my dad was a part time hippie while attending Humboldt State and just retired from teaching Environmental Science so I get the whole organic, nature first, minimalist thing.  I just had a hard time differentiating the hippies from the bums.  So yea, I heart hippies.

Where do you draw the line?

I’ve been reading a lot of new blogs lately.  I’m a total sucker for IRL friends blogs, crafty blogs and food blogs.  I love food.  I live in a part of the country where I am just minutes away from where some of the worlds best restaurants are located (no joke!) and I like to take advantage when I can.  Could be *ehh-hem* why I need to lose some (a lot) weight.  I like to think that I am just appreciating the culinary arts and stimulating the economy!  But I am totally getting off topic here.  And I’ll talk about the weight thing another day when I get the courage.  (See, I told you I love food.)

Back to the new blogs.  I stumbled across a few infertility blogs that are very Christ centered.  (I said before in my first post I might tackle some more religious issues I am going through and this is one of them. If you are not religious, please read on if you will.  I would love your input.)  So far I am enjoying these blogs a lot.  I do find myself skimming over the bible verses though.  I just can’t seem to stomach them lately.  There is a lot of talk about “God’s Plan” and that we all are basically issued one at birth. 

I don’t know what to make of this. 

On one hand, the bitter infertile in me begs to question, “Really?  It’s God’s plan for Mr. Mags and me to go through infertility treatments and 3 miscarriages over a (nearly) 7 year time period?”  or “Really?  It’s God’s plan for my sister to endure a messy divorce at the age of 30 and still be single and feeling very alone now at the age of 35?”  or  “Really?  It’s God’s plan to have Mr. Mags mom pass away from early on-set Alzheimer’s at the age of 63?”  or  “Really?  It’s God’s plan for my cousin J to marry a man and 8 months later find out about his…uhh…extra curricular activities?!?”  I could go on, and on, and on questioning much worse things in people’s lives as well as my own, but you get the point. 

On the other hand I think back to about 2 years ago when I (metaphorically) threw my hands up in the air and said, “It’s all you God!  You’re driving this roller coaster!”  And you know what?  I was happy.  Like, really happy.  I had just gone to a “Christian re-vamp” type of weekend and was feeling so renewed and refreshed and…happy.  I really started to believe God had a “Plan” for me and I just needed to be a devoted Christian and have faith. 

Then things like miscarriages and such happen and I now look at God in a different light.  Or, you know…I’m just not really even looking at Him right now.  I feel like I am whistling looking around trying not to focus on anything because I don’t know what to do or think.  Right now I feel like me saying this is God’s plan would be naive of me.  (Please note that this is just a feeling I find very hard to describe and put into words.  It’s nothing against anyone’s beliefs at all.)  It just sounds like I am passing the buck, so to speak, and not taking responsibility, action, the blame or doing anything about it to change my life.  I mean, theoretically speaking, wouldn’t this, right here *me sitting at my desk working typing a blog entry* be part of the “Plan”?  Is this where I am supposed to be at this point in time in my life?  But wait, I wanted to go get a sugar free mocha today at lunch and I didn’t…was this my decision or was it God’s will?  Ok, ok, that’s a little far fetched, but you get my point, right?  Right?

*Crickets*

Aaaaaaand moving on…

So, I feel like I have experienced both sides of the spectrum: Truly believing and having faith in God’s Plan and I guess a more scientific approach to looking at things…basically thinking “sh*t happens”.  I suppose I could use some guidance, but I don’t know who to turn to.  I haven’t been to church since May 29^th.  I remember the date because that was the day I told my parents, in church, that I was pregnant.  I don’t feel like I can talk to the priest of our church because he just happens to be my BFF’s Dad and he and his wife are BFF with my parents.  I have known him since I was 3 and he is basically like a second Dad.  I know the human, not-so-priestly side of him as well and it would be weird. 

So, my question to you dear readers/followers (and I love all 5 of you!), is this:

Where do you draw the line between God’s will and free will?

Is it God’s will that I chose to do IVF or was it my choice?  Do I sit around and wait for a baby to fall into my lap, or do I take action by seeking more fertility treatments?  Would the answer to that question come to me as my own free will, or is that all a part of God’s plan? 

In writing this post, and reading over the big question of God’s will versus free will, I think the answer might depend on who is at the receiving end of the question.  I guess I just want to know what makes peoples convictions so strong.  How do they know they’re right?  If I go talk to a priest, pastor or rabbi, they will probably all have different answers for me.  Then what?? 

*sigh*

I seriously wish there was a phone line to God’s office…with call waiting of course, cause I bet that would be one busy phone. 

Welp, so much for my sanity…

It’s now CD 27 and my second bar on my fertility monitor went away this morning.  I’m back down to one bar, meaning basically, “you’re not fertile lady, quit peeing on sticks!”  No little egg symbol for me this cycle.  You would think after countless Clomid cycles, 3 IUI’s 1 IVF and 1 FET I wouldn’t feel so damned disappointed about not ovulating.  I mean, I knew I wasn’t going to.  At least the likely hood was really slim.  *sigh*  Damn hope.

Is it really good for my sanity to continue using this thing on our “break”??

(All this “break” talk has been cuing up some of my favorite Friends episodes in my head!  Love that show.)

Anyway, what would you guys do?  Would you monitor your next cycle or throw it all out the window and just for get it for a while?  If you did that, could you actually forget about it?  I guess I have until AF to decide, but I sure could use your input.

Thanks,

Mags