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Oh Lordy.  Why do we do it to ourselves ladies?  WHY??  Face.book first thing in the morning is never a good idea for an infertile.  I don’t usually have a problem with babies scattering my homepage here and there, but this morning it was in my face. *shakes head to clear brain*

So I sign on and BAM!!  There is a ginourmous ultrasound picture of my second cousin’s 13 week old baby and a sticky sweet announcement.  Quick! Scroll down to get away from it! Ahh crap!  There’s another post from an old college friend complaining about her kids.  Scroll more, scroll MORE!!  POW!!  Baby picture, baby picture, toddler picture holding a baby.   *starts running in circles screaming with hands up in air*

Ok.  I’m done with Face.book…for today anyway.

31

Today is my 31^st birthday.  Yippee.  *eh-huummm* I mean, yippeeeeeeee!!!  Birthdays have always been a huge cause for celebration in my family, but this year, I’m just not feeling it.  However, instead of dwelling on the fact that my eggs are another year older and I still don’t have a baby in my arms, I’m going to make a list of 31 people or things that I am thankful for and blessed to have in my life.  In no particular order they are:

1.  Mr. Mags – He makes me laugh and does the cutest things that warm my heart.

2.  B Dog – Seriously, look at that face!  LOOK AT THAT FACE!!  He is always SO happy to see me. 

3.  Z Cat – I call her my little cuddle bunny.  She loves to sleep.  She is always so happy to be curled up on me. 

4.  P Cat – Suuure, he looks all cute and cuddly here, but he is cah-razy.

5.  G Cat – Such a sweet old guy.  We got him when he was 12 (3 years ago).  He is just so happy to have a comfy, not to mention heated thanks to Mr. Mags, bed to sleep on.  (Sadly I don’t have a picture of him with me.)

6.  Champagne – Bubbles make everything better. 

7.  My BFF K – We have been friends since we were 3 years old.  She tells me like it is and vise versa. Plus, she likes bubbles even more than me!  She totes gets her own post soon.

8.  Cheese – Really?  I need a reason?

9.  Mom & Dad – They are super cute and always there for me.  They make an amazing role model for Mr. Mags and me.  High school sweethearts and still in love!  Plus, they made me, duh!

10.  My Father-in-Law – I don’t see him too often, but it’s awesome that he treats me like his own child and I know he loves me.

11.  My Baking – It keeps me busy.  Here is my latest project.  Cupcakes for a first birthday, as pink as I could get them! 

12.  My Sissy – She is part me. We are part each other. 

13.  Coffee – It is responsible for waking two of my senses, which is really important.

14.  Acupuncture – The most expensive best nap ever!

15.  My Friend L – She always listens to me.  I mean really listens.

16.  My Friend A – She is my IF mentor and funny as hell.

17.  Hawaii – It’s one of my favorite places to go.  Mr. Mags and I got engaged there.  I’ve been numerous times and it never get’s old.  

18.  My Hair – Sure, it sounds a bit vein, but it’s a feature I am proud of. 

19.  My Job – I don’t love it.  Hell, I don’t even like it, but it’s a job and I have been without before and that, well, sucks.  Plus my boss has been more than understanding and flexible about all of the Dr.’s appointments and time off needed for IF stuff.

20.  Old Musicals – They take me back to my childhood and I love to sing along!  Other people watching love that I sing along too, swear!

21.  Italy – Mr. Mags and I went there for our honeymoon.  Amore.

22.  Email/Texting – How else would I stay in touch with people?

23.  Nature – It’s always different and changing and so darned pretty.

24.  My DVR – Mr. Mags doesn’t have to watch the latest Lifetime movie and I don’t have to watch The Ultimate Fighter.  Win-win.

25.  Elliptical Machines – I’m not a huge fan, but I know it’s good for me.

26.  A Roof Over My Head – Always a plus to have one of those.

27.  Science – Because of all of those smart scientist people we have IVF!

28.  My Bed – Just about the only time I’m able to shut my mind off.

29.  Pictures – It’s nice to have a visual to accompany those memories.

30.  Prayer/Meditation – Haven’t done much of that lately, but I am hopping to reacquaint myself with it soon.

31.  IF Blog World – Much needed support.

Well, that wasn’t as tough as I thought it would be.  In fact, I think I could go on!  After reading over my list, I see I do have a lot to be thankful for.  If you were kind enough to read this far, thank you.  It means a lot to me that people take interest in what I have to say and look --> I have a few followers!  Awesome.  *happy dance* You guys rock.

Alright, time for me to go blow out some candles and have a cocktail!  Oh, wait, it’s only 3:00 P.M..  Damn.  A few more hours and then I will be headed to Mom and Dads with Mr. Mags (and B Dog of course) for a dinner sure to include cheese and bubbles.  Not too shabby.  Happy birthday to me!

Perspective

This past weekend was my cousin’s baby shower I referred to in my last post.  Mr. Mags and I spent a LOT of time with my family.  It was both great and exhausting. 

I spent a lot of time with my cousin J.  We always fall right back into our routine of laughing at nothing and making silly jokes about everything.  We are about 4 months apart and at very different places in our lives, but found so much similarity in the pain we are going through right now.  A little background: We lived together for a year when we were going to college.  She lives in So. Cal. now and is very outdoorsy and athletic.  I live in Nor. Cal and was a choir girl (which just happened to be a very cool thing where I come from, thank-you-very-much) who likes to camp, at minimum, with a giant air mattress and down comforter.  She loves science and I love history.  I love to cook and bake and she makes a mean piece of toast. So, though we don’t have a lot of similar interests, we love each other to bits and thoroughly enjoy hanging out.

J got married a year and a half ago and is in the process of getting divorced.  She was with her husband for 9 years prior to their marriage.  The papers were just signed and her world has been turned upside down.  In a BIG way.  I will not get into specifics, but there was infidelity involved on her husband’s part and it all came crashing down.  We both are typically private people when it comes to our emotions, but when we get together, we always find ourselves sharing and exposing our vulnerabilities with each other.  (Could have been the beer and the wine, but really…who knows.  Errm…yea.)

She asked me all about IVF and I told her all of the glorious in’s-n-out’s (literally) that accompany it and she was astounded that I had gone through all of that.  I think the best part was seeing her face when I told her that I had to get a shot in my cervix so my RE could clamp it to be able to insert the catheter for a transfer.  By the time the weekend was over she didn’t flinch at me talking about “Vagina this…vagina that.”  It was entertaining to say the least.

It was also enlightening.  As I said, she was amazed that Mr. Mags and I have gone through what we have so far.  But when she started telling her story, I could not believe she was still standing and able to smile.  It was like a crazy movie.  Even for Lifetime!  I told her over and over I was so proud of her and can’t believe she has gone through all this.  We both thought each other had it worse off and I think we both were enlightened with a new perspective and realized the blessings that we have been afforded. 

Though I can’t help but think she really does have it worse off.  She is newly divorced and almost 31, nowhere near ready to even think about dating and does eventually want kids.  She said she was glad that I didn’t go to the baby shower.  She was the only single, childless one there and everyone was telling their birth stories and tales of their kids.  I asked her if it was hard for her knowing that she wanted children.  She though about it for a second, and looking very serious she said, “Yea, it was kind of hard.  It reminds you of a crushed dream.  But I was so hung over from staying up with you until 5:30 A.M. the night before that I didn’t really care.”  *whistles looking around*  That’s a blog post for another day my friends.  We both had a good laugh and went to bed shortly after.  At 9:00 P.M.  Sure don’t bounce back like we used to!

To be honest, what really cinched my new found perspective was something so small, yet at the time felt like a huge lifesaver.  By the time 5:30 AM rolled around and I was finally able to convince my beloved cousin that, “Yes, it really is time to go to bed” I realized I hadn’t actually made the bed.  Drat!!  I went to get the sheets out of the dryer and they were gone.  I went to the guest room and Mr. Mags, who had long since gone to sleep, had made the guest bed while J and I gabbed about infidelity and vaginas.  I was SO grateful and in that moment and was so thankful for him.  It’s those little things, like making the guest bed because he knew we were going to be up until 1:00 A.M. 5:30 A.M., that Mr. Mags does that remind me just how lucky I am.  I have a man with perfect sperm who loves me with all of my hormone imbalances and uterine anomaly.  Of course neither of us are perfect, but we have each other to lean on (or in my case occasionally cling to) and I am SO grateful. 

Mr. Mags, I love you SO much and thank you for being the man you are.  You are a pillar of strength for me.*

(Please, oh please let me stay in this space of feeling thankful and happy for a really, really long time!)

*I swore I would never write a gushy post about “how wonderful my hubby is blah, blah, blah”.  But come on, he made the bed and even turned down the corner!  AND he cleaned the litter box!!  *swoon*

Mad

Maybe hurt is the right word.  Sad maybe?  No, mad. 

All of the above?  Uhg. *sigh*  I know.  I sigh a lot. 

Mr. Mags and I went over to my parent’s house for dinner last night.  I love that we live in the same town.  Most of the time.  My Grandma is visiting from So. Cal. for my cousin’s wife’s baby shower this weekend so she was there too.  It was nice to see her.  I don’t get to very often being that she is about 9 hours away. 

The evening started out great.  I was actually in a great mood and felt a bounce in my step that I hadn’t felt in a long time.  Plus, I had just gotten done with a wonderful acupuncture appointment.  Just before dinner my dad decided to bust out his and my mom’s itinerary for the rest of this year and the upcoming year.  They just retired at the same time and are very excited about all of their plans.  It really is adorable. He started with Thanksgiving.  He said, “We are all going to go to Uncle S’s ranch (which is 6 hours away) this year for Thanksgiving!  Doesn’t that sound fun?!? J will be there (my cousin) and B and S will be there too!”  (B and S are the cousins having the baby.)  I could feel the color drain from my face after he said that.  How can I feel so great one minute and be back to this place the next?  I immediately thought, I am NOT ready to spend Thanksgiving with a very pregnant woman or newborn. Too much. 

We ate dinner and I tried my best to cover up my feelings, but I am tired.  I am tired of trying to be strong and put on a brave face.  It’s been 7 years, and I am just plain tired.  I just need to be sad and stew in until I’m ready to get out.  

While Mr. Mags and my mom were doing dishes (yes, he is the best!  His nickname is kitchen-boy because he cleans the kitchen all of the time!) my dad pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong.  Instead of playing the, “I’m tired, had a bad day, don’t feel good”  route, I was very honest with him.  I told him I am just not sure I will be up for spending Thanksgiving at the ranch with S and her pregnant belly, or even baby.  I just want to play it out and see how I feel then.  He said ok and he understood.  I felt weird, but glad to be totally honest with him.  My Dad is a wonderful, understanding man.  I can’t quite put into words how I feel about him, I’m not very good at that.  But I can say he is without a doubt an amazing man, which is why I was taken aback by our next conversation.

Shortly after this conversation he pulled me aside again wanting to talk.  I told him in a very childlike manner I didn’t want to talk.  But he continued on and I listened like a good little girl.  I guess I was trained well. 

He told me he was worried about me.    

This has never happened. It is always my older sister they are worried about.  They always tell me we never worry about you, you are strong with a good head on your shoulders.  (Not that my sister isn’t, but it’s a post for another day.)

He told me that it seemed like 50% of me seemed ok and like “me” and the other 50% was very sad and angry and he was worried that the unhappy portion would poison the happy portion.  (He didn’t say those specific words, but that’s how I can best describe it.)  He thought that I was isolating myself and wanted me to talk to a professional.  He suggested our Assistant Priest who I have actually thought of talking to myself but never gotten the courage to call her.  I just don’t know what I would say to her.

So many things were going through my head when he was talking to me.  I told him I was thinking of talking to someone already and that I appreciate his concern.  He had mentioned me being angry at God and I told him that I didn’t actually feel angry, just indifferent. I think that took him by surprise and maybe worried him even more.  Why stop being honest now though?!

Here is what pisses me off though.  The MINUTE I start to show a little emotion and sadness about our IF journey-I need help.  I guess being the “comedian” of the family will do that to you.  I’m sorry, but I can’t always be “on”! Also, this is the first time I have ever NOT gone to a baby shower because of my dealings with IF.  (I take that back.  I did miss L’s baby shower for her second child because it was 2 days after my last miscarriage which I apologized for and L told me I was crazy to apologize.)  Besides, I am missing this party to go to a 1 year old’s birthday party.  So, missing a day spent with a pregnant person to be with a baby = isolation??  I have even gone so far as to host a friends baby shower, help host my SIL’s baby shower and make fancy cupcakes for another friends baby shower.  I am mad because I try to NOT isolate myself and the minute I feel I need to, my parents are worried about me.

I tried to explain the best I could to my Dad that I am in self-preservation mode right now.  I gave him the above examples of how I feel like I am NOT isolating myself and making every effort to continue to live my life. 

Dad:  “Well, as long as you don’t isolate yourself forever.  I just don’t want you to get stuck here.” 

Mags:  “Me either.  But this is where I am right now.”

Dad:  “Ok….just as long as it’s not forever.”

Mags:  “Well, I can’t give you a date like January 3, 2012 and tell you that I will feel better and the sadness will go away that day.”

*sigh*  (I sigh so I don’t cry right now.)

I proceeded to then burst into tears and he hugged me.  The truth of the matter is that I think I am worried about me too and embarrassed that they noticed my pain. The strong one with the good head on her shoulders. 

At the same time, I know I need to allow myself some time to be sad and not feel guilty for avoiding situations that will make me even more sad.  If you injury your leg, you shouldn’t go rock climbing because you might injury it even more.  Why are emotional injuries so much more taboo?  Emotions are just as fragile as skin and bone aren’t they?

I would like to talk to, or email, my dad and try and explain all of this to him, but I just don’t know where to start and where to end.   Maybe it is better left as is. He said he would check in with me an a few weeks.  I’m not sure what he is planning on saying, but the “good headed-strong” me wants to tell him, “Oh, yea thanks for checking in, I’m totally fine now!  Yippee for Thanksgiving coming up, pregnant bellies and babies!!!!!!!!!!” and leave it at that. 

Healthy, right?? 

Bitter Betty, Party of One?

If you haven’t picked up on it by now, I am in a bit of a rut…a bit of a Debbie Downer…a Bitter Betty so to speak. 

*sigh*

I don’t want to feel this way, really I don’t.  I just don’t know how to pull myself out of it.  I’m trying to keep myself busy.  I have my 9-5 job that I loath love.  I initially took the job in 2008 because, well, I had to.  And on the plus side, it sounded like a great job to have while going through fertility treatments.  Relatively low stress, consistent hours, benefits.  Well, now add…or umm, subtract, 5 hours a week, vacation time cut in half and a 25% pay cut and you have a bitter infertile trying to make ends meet.

As you all know and have experienced, it seems that everyone around me is pregnant or has babies.  Even the traffic girl on the radio station I listen to announced she was pregnant this morning.  That of course led to a 10 minute conversation on babies.  (OK, maybe not 10, but it sure felt like it.)  How ridiculous is it that my stomach turned when she said she was pregnant?  A traffic girl.  On the radio.  Whom I have never met.  Lame.  Let’s blame that stomach turn on too much hot sauce on my eggs this morning.

Moving on. 

I’m trying to stay busy to keep myself from going crazy on this “break”.  I bake a lot.  SUPER good for my waistline.  Actually, my baking has sort of turned into a side-hobby-business kind of thing.  I bake for my friends.  I bake for friends of friends.  It really is fun and I’m told I’m talented at it. But really, what are friends and family supposed to say when they get (free) sweet treats?  It might be something that I would like to do full time…..or say part time as a stay at home mom raising 2 kids.  (Bitter much?)  Anyway, I made a cake for LJ’s birthday the other weekend.  He loved it.  It was a 2 tier dinosaur cake he promptly stuck his finger in once he saw it.  I’m doing more baking this week/weekend too (Yippee!) for another child’s birthday party this Sunday.  *shakes head at self*  This time it’s cupcakes and a smash cake for a friends 1 year old daughter.  I have to say, I am honestly glad I have this birthday party to go to though because my cousin’s wife’s baby shower is the same day.  Follow?  Of course Mr. Mags is going to the birthday party too and so is my BFF.  She is single and sans kids, so we will have fun.  Plus, there will be wine. 

I love my cousin.  He’s wonderful and so is his wife.  Seriously earthy, good-natured people (read: hippie).  I just think I would breakdown if I went to a baby shower right now.  Not to mention that we were a week apart before I miscarried.  Selfish of me?  Maybe.  But too close to home.  She started telling people she was pregnant at about 5 weeks.  (I’m serious!)  She would follow it with, “well, you know, if I lose it, it just wasn’t meant to be.  It’s nature’s way of dealing with an abnormal pregnancy.” Yep. This is all true, but clearly she has never experienced a loss or IF.  But this is one of the happy stories where husband and wife get knocked up the first month after being off the pill.  *tells self - suck it up Betty*

In other news, my birthday is in a week.  Could that be the source of some of this bitterness?  I turn 31 this year.  Yea, my side bar has me listed at 31, I know.  It was only a couple short weeks away so I went with it.  Besides, does it help that I feel like I’m 45? 

Alright, time to get off the pity-potty.  I’m starting to annoy myself!  As Mr. Mags would say, “Someone call this girl a waaaaaaaaaaaa-mbulance!”

Quote of the Day...

A little back-story behind this here quote of the day:

Mr. Mags BFF is one cool cat.  He’s a classy dude, tall, dark, handsome and very intelligent.  His wife is a total sweetheart too.  Blonde, petite and unassuming, yet has the mouth of a sailor.  I love her.  

BFF and his wife are also dealing with infertility.  Seems so common these days doesn’t it?  There is no male factor infertility; the problem seems to lie with Mrs. BFF.  BFF is 40 and Mrs. BFF is 39.  So there is the age thing, not to mention the fact that she has Lupus.  So sucky. We don’t get to see them as often as we like, but Mr. Mags stays in touch with his BFF over email.

Mr. Mags got a short email from BFF the other day, just updating him on what was going on in his life.  They are having a hard time-obviously understandable.  But what this classy, intelligent guy said really summed up the world of infertility for Mr. Mags and me:

“Who ever said to stay positive during this sh*t can suck a d*ck.”

That lead us to our new motto: “Infertility can suck a d*ck.”

Sure, it’s crude and bit crass, but seriously…it can.

My Baby Trek

I was trying to find a better word for “journey” or “timeline”.  Something a little more fitting.  Trek works.  Trek seems arduous, sounds kind of annoying, and I think would involve some bumpby, zig-zaggy paths that might make me cry.  Ya with me?  So here it goes.

Mr. Mags and I started trying to conceive right when we got married.  I was actually off the pill a month before we were married.  I had just turned 24 (holy cow that’s young!) and Mr. Mags was 34.  After about a year we thought maybe I should go to the Dr.  So I did and was told, “all you need is Clomid.”  Sweet.  Problem solved.  We thought, when we get really serious, we will pick up some of that Clomid stuff and have a baby. *insert raucous laughter here*

So, the timeline (with way too much detail) goes as follows:

• Mr. Mags and I marry October of 2004.
• TTC for 1+ year.
• Clomid will solve all our answers. 
• Wait, it’s 2006, how’d that happen?!?
• April 2006 Mr. Mags and I move to our new house ready to start a family!
• Go to new Dr. that doesn’t have dogs in their office who barge in right in the middle of your yearly lady parts exam. (I kid you not.  And I love dogs.)
• Again, Clomid will solve all of our problems!  Try 5 rounds with absolutely no monitoring. *what a newbie I was* Oh yea, and I have PCOS.
• Mr. Mags does SA-all normal.  In fact, very impressive. *high-fives himself*  Big sigh of relief.
• September 2006 go to Dr. because of terrible pain in my lower abdomen.  Receive first vaginal ultrasound.  Proceed to feel very adult and grown up because of this.
• September 26, 2006 (I remember because it was so close to my birthday) get a call from my Dr. telling me I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured and also I have a bicornuate uterus.  A bicornu-what?  Proceed to cry for hours.
• October 2006 have HSG – Yep, severe bicornuate uterus.  Proceed to cry on the exam table while my Dr. tells me, “it’s ok honey, that’s what surrogates are for.”
• Take a break from TTC.
• Adopt our beloved B-Dog, after all I need something to take care of.
• Mid 2007 meet with RE. He suggests we go straight to IVF.  Cry the whole way home from the appointment.  How can people put a price tag like that on having a family?!? Start saving money.
• October 1, 2007, I become a product of the ever crashing housing market and get laid off.  Proceed to cry.
• October 31, 2007, Mr. Mags becomes a product of the ever crashing housing market and gets laid off.  Cry some more.
• Crap.
• December 2007 Mr. Mags and I decide to move to my home town (yippie!) since that is where we really wanted to settle anyway.  We take B-Dog, Z-Cat, P-Cat and G-Cat and move in with my parents.  (yippie…?)  Put baby making plans on hold.
• January 2008-new jobs!
• February 2009 we move into our own place-finally!
• March 2009 make an appointment with new RE and get a plan mapped out. 
• New RE orders MRI to confirm Bicornuate uterus.  Diagnosis: NOT severe, very mild, shouldn’t be an issue.
• April 2009 Mr. Mags gets laid off…again.  (Seriously, you would think we would learn to stay OUT of the housing market by now.) Put all baby making plans on hold…again.
• September 2009, holy crap, I’m pregnant-naturally!! 
• September 11, 2009, miscarry at a 1 year olds birthday party.  Cry like a 1 year old.
• Go to new OBGYN (love him!) and try 5 rounds of monitored clomid with estrogen.  Ovulate once.  BFN.
• Meet with new-new RE (love him!).  From here on out we will call him Dr. T. *hello gorgeous*
• October 2010 begin 3 rounds of IUI with Femara and Estradiol.  Grow follicles each time.  All BFN.  These were “special” holidays, very fun.
• February 16, 2011 Begin acupuncture and stims.  Gonal F 300 IU, Luveris 75 IU, baby Aspirin and prenatal.  Later introduce Ganirelix.
• February 27, 2011 egg retrieval – 22 Eggs!!
• Hello OHSS.
• Fertilization report – 12 mature, 10 fertilized-7 normal.  3 “good” make it to blast. 
• March 5, 2011 – transfer 1 blast, freeze 2.  Transfer involved a shot to my cervix and a cervical clamp.  Yowch!
• Beta Day – 26.  Next beta – 95! Wha-hoo!  Next beta-70.  Doh. Chemical.  More tears.
• May 2011 – FET
• Smooth transfer-thank GOD.
• Beta Day – 120 *Squeel!!*  Next Beta – 260  *Squeeeeeeeeeeellll!!!*  Start spotting.  Miscarry at 6 weeks.  Big giant crocodile tears.  For days.
• OMG this is a long timeline.
• WTF appointment – most likely the luck of the draw, although my egg quality is not the greatest.  Toss around ideas for the next cycle.  Leave feeling very defeated.
• New plan of attack: Lose weight, exercise, continue with acupuncture and have sex for FUN (huh?) until IVF #2 in January 2010.  

So this is where I am now.  In the limbo stage.  Waiting to cycle again, trying to work on myself.  And seriously, if you read this whole timeline you’re super nice.  And I sincerely thank you. 

Question for you though.  How do you guys get through the limbo time?  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.