Bitter Betty, Party of One?

If you haven’t picked up on it by now, I am in a bit of a rut…a bit of a Debbie Downer…a Bitter Betty so to speak. 

*sigh*

I don’t want to feel this way, really I don’t.  I just don’t know how to pull myself out of it.  I’m trying to keep myself busy.  I have my 9-5 job that I loath love.  I initially took the job in 2008 because, well, I had to.  And on the plus side, it sounded like a great job to have while going through fertility treatments.  Relatively low stress, consistent hours, benefits.  Well, now add…or umm, subtract, 5 hours a week, vacation time cut in half and a 25% pay cut and you have a bitter infertile trying to make ends meet.

As you all know and have experienced, it seems that everyone around me is pregnant or has babies.  Even the traffic girl on the radio station I listen to announced she was pregnant this morning.  That of course led to a 10 minute conversation on babies.  (OK, maybe not 10, but it sure felt like it.)  How ridiculous is it that my stomach turned when she said she was pregnant?  A traffic girl.  On the radio.  Whom I have never met.  Lame.  Let’s blame that stomach turn on too much hot sauce on my eggs this morning.

Moving on. 

I’m trying to stay busy to keep myself from going crazy on this “break”.  I bake a lot.  SUPER good for my waistline.  Actually, my baking has sort of turned into a side-hobby-business kind of thing.  I bake for my friends.  I bake for friends of friends.  It really is fun and I’m told I’m talented at it. But really, what are friends and family supposed to say when they get (free) sweet treats?  It might be something that I would like to do full time…..or say part time as a stay at home mom raising 2 kids.  (Bitter much?)  Anyway, I made a cake for LJ’s birthday the other weekend.  He loved it.  It was a 2 tier dinosaur cake he promptly stuck his finger in once he saw it.  I’m doing more baking this week/weekend too (Yippee!) for another child’s birthday party this Sunday.  *shakes head at self*  This time it’s cupcakes and a smash cake for a friends 1 year old daughter.  I have to say, I am honestly glad I have this birthday party to go to though because my cousin’s wife’s baby shower is the same day.  Follow?  Of course Mr. Mags is going to the birthday party too and so is my BFF.  She is single and sans kids, so we will have fun.  Plus, there will be wine. 

I love my cousin.  He’s wonderful and so is his wife.  Seriously earthy, good-natured people (read: hippie).  I just think I would breakdown if I went to a baby shower right now.  Not to mention that we were a week apart before I miscarried.  Selfish of me?  Maybe.  But too close to home.  She started telling people she was pregnant at about 5 weeks.  (I’m serious!)  She would follow it with, “well, you know, if I lose it, it just wasn’t meant to be.  It’s nature’s way of dealing with an abnormal pregnancy.” Yep. This is all true, but clearly she has never experienced a loss or IF.  But this is one of the happy stories where husband and wife get knocked up the first month after being off the pill.  *tells self - suck it up Betty*

In other news, my birthday is in a week.  Could that be the source of some of this bitterness?  I turn 31 this year.  Yea, my side bar has me listed at 31, I know.  It was only a couple short weeks away so I went with it.  Besides, does it help that I feel like I’m 45? 

Alright, time to get off the pity-potty.  I’m starting to annoy myself!  As Mr. Mags would say, “Someone call this girl a waaaaaaaaaaaa-mbulance!”