Mad

Maybe hurt is the right word.  Sad maybe?  No, mad. 

All of the above?  Uhg. *sigh*  I know.  I sigh a lot. 

Mr. Mags and I went over to my parent’s house for dinner last night.  I love that we live in the same town.  Most of the time.  My Grandma is visiting from So. Cal. for my cousin’s wife’s baby shower this weekend so she was there too.  It was nice to see her.  I don’t get to very often being that she is about 9 hours away. 

The evening started out great.  I was actually in a great mood and felt a bounce in my step that I hadn’t felt in a long time.  Plus, I had just gotten done with a wonderful acupuncture appointment.  Just before dinner my dad decided to bust out his and my mom’s itinerary for the rest of this year and the upcoming year.  They just retired at the same time and are very excited about all of their plans.  It really is adorable. He started with Thanksgiving.  He said, “We are all going to go to Uncle S’s ranch (which is 6 hours away) this year for Thanksgiving!  Doesn’t that sound fun?!? J will be there (my cousin) and B and S will be there too!”  (B and S are the cousins having the baby.)  I could feel the color drain from my face after he said that.  How can I feel so great one minute and be back to this place the next?  I immediately thought, I am NOT ready to spend Thanksgiving with a very pregnant woman or newborn. Too much. 

We ate dinner and I tried my best to cover up my feelings, but I am tired.  I am tired of trying to be strong and put on a brave face.  It’s been 7 years, and I am just plain tired.  I just need to be sad and stew in until I’m ready to get out.  

While Mr. Mags and my mom were doing dishes (yes, he is the best!  His nickname is kitchen-boy because he cleans the kitchen all of the time!) my dad pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong.  Instead of playing the, “I’m tired, had a bad day, don’t feel good”  route, I was very honest with him.  I told him I am just not sure I will be up for spending Thanksgiving at the ranch with S and her pregnant belly, or even baby.  I just want to play it out and see how I feel then.  He said ok and he understood.  I felt weird, but glad to be totally honest with him.  My Dad is a wonderful, understanding man.  I can’t quite put into words how I feel about him, I’m not very good at that.  But I can say he is without a doubt an amazing man, which is why I was taken aback by our next conversation.

Shortly after this conversation he pulled me aside again wanting to talk.  I told him in a very childlike manner I didn’t want to talk.  But he continued on and I listened like a good little girl.  I guess I was trained well. 

He told me he was worried about me.    

This has never happened. It is always my older sister they are worried about.  They always tell me we never worry about you, you are strong with a good head on your shoulders.  (Not that my sister isn’t, but it’s a post for another day.)

He told me that it seemed like 50% of me seemed ok and like “me” and the other 50% was very sad and angry and he was worried that the unhappy portion would poison the happy portion.  (He didn’t say those specific words, but that’s how I can best describe it.)  He thought that I was isolating myself and wanted me to talk to a professional.  He suggested our Assistant Priest who I have actually thought of talking to myself but never gotten the courage to call her.  I just don’t know what I would say to her.

So many things were going through my head when he was talking to me.  I told him I was thinking of talking to someone already and that I appreciate his concern.  He had mentioned me being angry at God and I told him that I didn’t actually feel angry, just indifferent. I think that took him by surprise and maybe worried him even more.  Why stop being honest now though?!

Here is what pisses me off though.  The MINUTE I start to show a little emotion and sadness about our IF journey-I need help.  I guess being the “comedian” of the family will do that to you.  I’m sorry, but I can’t always be “on”! Also, this is the first time I have ever NOT gone to a baby shower because of my dealings with IF.  (I take that back.  I did miss L’s baby shower for her second child because it was 2 days after my last miscarriage which I apologized for and L told me I was crazy to apologize.)  Besides, I am missing this party to go to a 1 year old’s birthday party.  So, missing a day spent with a pregnant person to be with a baby = isolation??  I have even gone so far as to host a friends baby shower, help host my SIL’s baby shower and make fancy cupcakes for another friends baby shower.  I am mad because I try to NOT isolate myself and the minute I feel I need to, my parents are worried about me.

I tried to explain the best I could to my Dad that I am in self-preservation mode right now.  I gave him the above examples of how I feel like I am NOT isolating myself and making every effort to continue to live my life. 

Dad:  “Well, as long as you don’t isolate yourself forever.  I just don’t want you to get stuck here.” 

Mags:  “Me either.  But this is where I am right now.”

Dad:  “Ok….just as long as it’s not forever.”

Mags:  “Well, I can’t give you a date like January 3, 2012 and tell you that I will feel better and the sadness will go away that day.”

*sigh*  (I sigh so I don’t cry right now.)

I proceeded to then burst into tears and he hugged me.  The truth of the matter is that I think I am worried about me too and embarrassed that they noticed my pain. The strong one with the good head on her shoulders. 

At the same time, I know I need to allow myself some time to be sad and not feel guilty for avoiding situations that will make me even more sad.  If you injury your leg, you shouldn’t go rock climbing because you might injury it even more.  Why are emotional injuries so much more taboo?  Emotions are just as fragile as skin and bone aren’t they?

I would like to talk to, or email, my dad and try and explain all of this to him, but I just don’t know where to start and where to end.   Maybe it is better left as is. He said he would check in with me an a few weeks.  I’m not sure what he is planning on saying, but the “good headed-strong” me wants to tell him, “Oh, yea thanks for checking in, I’m totally fine now!  Yippee for Thanksgiving coming up, pregnant bellies and babies!!!!!!!!!!” and leave it at that. 

Healthy, right??