I can hardly believe September 11, 2001 was ten years ago. That day is so clear in my memory, as it is for everyone I am sure. I was in my senior year at college walking in to an early morning class on media aesthetics. The TV was on, which was not unusual in this class, but the room was silent. Everyone’s world was rocked and changed forever.
Ten years later it still stings, but I like to think of the fact that we survived as a Country and are still surviving. September 11th holds more pain for me aside from what happened in 2001. Two years ago to the day I had my first miscarriage. Mr. Mags and I had gone to an RE, had a plan to start IVF, then he got laid off. We put the plan on hold and I focused on living a healthy lifestyle. Months went by while Mr. Mags looked for a new job. It was starting to really dampen his spirits and my focus went into helping him in anyway I could…until one night I woke up and randomly thought, “huh…that’s funny. I know I don’t have regular periods, but it has been a really long time since I got mine.” I got up and stumbled into the bathroom at an ungodly hour and proceeded to dig in the cupboard until, bingo! Found it. The last HPT I angrily shoved in the back of the bathroom cupboard. I took the test, and wouldn’t you know it. Positive. To say I was stunned was an understatement. I bounced onto the bed startling Mr. Mags and said, “I work!! My body works!” He was a bit confused and obviously sleepy and just stared at me. I shoved the test in his face, which really did no good because he needs his glasses to see anything. “I’m pregnant.” I will never forget those words. We laughed, I cried. It was amazing. And the old fashioned way none-the-less! Naturally I needed to check with every brand of HPT but it was still only about 3:00 in the morning so we waited until the nearest store opened and loaded up. All of them were blaringly positive.
I scheduled an appointment with my OB. I honestly had no idea how far along I was, what with inconsistent periods and all, but my best calculation put me at 6.5 weeks. We told my parents the next day and they were elated but told by us to be “cautiously optimistic”. The next day I started spotting, but thanks to Dr. Google I wasn’t too worried about it. I proceeded to get ready to go to my friend L’s son’s (LJ) first birthday party. My parents were invited, so Mr. Mags and I drove the 45 minutes over to the party with them. I started cramping as soon as we got into the car, but hoped and prayed, and prayed some more it would go away. About 15 minutes into the party I had to walk out in tears in so much pain. I just couldn’t be there. It was too much and it hurt SO bad. I am not one to cry, especially in front of my parents, but the pain was so sever I couldn’t help it. My Mom told my friend L I wasn’t feeling good and we had to go. It was the longest drive home ever with my Dad debating should we go to the hospital and my Mom in tears in the front seat and Mr. Mags doing everything he could do to comfort me, but not really knowing what to do. All I knew is that it was over. I’ve never known pain like that before, physically yes, but also emotionally. I suppose that makes me very blessed, and for that I am thankful.
This September 11th we spent at LJ’s 3rd birthday party. He has turned into such a sweet and cute little boy and I just love him to pieces. A little piece of my heart will always ache with the “what ifs”, but it’s wonderful to have something positive to celebrate on that day, although I have to say I was ready to leave after a while, but more on that later.
Hug your friends and your family. And eat a cupcake. Cupcakes make everyone happy.
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