As I mentioned in my previous post Mr. Mags and I spent September 11th celebrating our friends L and B’s sons third birthday. They have two boys, also L and B to make things nice and confusing for you! SO, we will go with LJ and BR. BR is just three months old and as cute as could be. LJ holds a special place in my heart though, not sure why. Mr. Mags and I love to hang out with him. I mean, he’s cool. He’s 3 and he just has that cool vibe. Probably because his parents are uber cool too. I have known L for 13 years-yikes! We lived in the dorms together as freshman when we were in college, then moved to an apartment complex with different roomies, but right next door to each other, then into a giant house with 7 other girls (that would be a story for a whole other blog!) and finally into a smaller house with one other friend our senior year. We’ve been through a lot and are always there fore each other. She knows of our IF struggles and always lends a sympathetic ear. And more importantly she is a total foodie. And a size 4. AFTER having kids. Think tiny, adorable, spitfire of a woman with the appetite of a football player. SO not fair, but I digress.
So we arrived to the party of 5 ½ screaming kids (1/2 being BR) and several adults. LJ saw me and screamed “Maaaaaaaaaaags!!!!” It’s so nice to be loved by children. He bounded out of the bouncy house and gave us big hugs. L came over and told us that when anyone asked who LJ invited to his party he always responded “Mags. Mags and Mr. Mags. Mr. Mags is my friend.” *Begin tugging at heart strings, incident one.*
We greeted everyone and got settled in. It was a happy surprise to see an old from college, it had been a few years. Her kids were there having a grand old time. After a while I looked around and realized Mr. Mags and I were the only ones without kids, aside from LJ’s REAL aunt and uncle who were in attendance. (They decided long ago to live child free.) I began to feel pathetic. Seriously, what was I doing at a 3 year olds birthday party sans kids?!? Yes, I did make him a special cake as requested: dinosaurs. But honestly, I looked around and began to feel very self conscious. Am I that couple that gets invited to all of the birthday parties and special events and people look at us and think, “Ooooh, that’s so sad, you can see it in their eyes. They wanted kids so bad, but it never happened. What a shame.” *Continue tugging at heart strings, incident two.*
Then I was asked to hold BR for a while-Yippee! Babies! As I was holding him, he spit up a little which didn’t really bother me, but BR’s grandma came over and practically snatched him out of my arms and didn’t give me a chance to react or clean him up myself. Apparently because I am childless I don’t know how to handle this. *More tugging at hear strings, incident three.*
Then I thought, really Mags? You are going to let this get to you?!? Nope! Oh, look, little D lost his shoe, I’ll put it back on for him. (Little D doesn’t know me at all.) Little D started to panic and almost fell backwards while I tried to help him with his shoe. Luckily his mom (the old college friend) was there to catch him. She totally brushed it off as no big deal, but it got to me. *Commence final tugging at heart strings.* I felt SO out of place and pathetic that I was trying too hard. I’m not a mom, I don’t fit in. Why am I trying?
Mr. Mags and I left shortly after presents were opened and cake was shared. I got in the car and cried a good portion of the 45 minute drive home. Oh, and add that to feeling really pathetic. I drove 45 minutes to go to a 3 year olds birthday party.
*sigh*
I’m sure some of these feelings were exaggerated by hormones. *please, oh please let that be it* September 11th was CD2, so I’m going to blame it on that.
Does anyone else out there ever feel that way? Anyone……..? Buller?? Buller ……??
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